Sky High

Longing

Ri Jeong Hyeok

To whoever hearing what she said just now, you'd think she loved me. Please, you only said that kind of sentence to someone you loved, right?

Maybe.

As surprised as I was, when I heard her outburst, I wished I never took time to get to know Yoon Se Ri. That I didn't know how her mind worked.

Because then I could be one of you. And pretended that she loved me.

But clearly that was not what happened here. These last few days were very hard on all of us and our emotions were all over the place. We felt numb at one point then suddenly we felt every possible emotions known to a man the next time.

So, that?

That wasn't her saying her undying love for me. It was her being honest. That she had lost everything, and she couldn't bear to hear me saying 'I want to die' because then she literally had nothing left. She'd die with me. Probably not in literal sense, but dying all the same inside.

I feel all kind of stupid and guilty. Like Mo Yeon said, I need to hold myself together. I need to be there for my mother, and for her.

"I'm sorry." I finally say.

"There is your mother. There is me. What do you think will happen to us if you keep saying that?" She looks at me defiantly. I drop my head to the steering wheel, feeling ashamed.

"I won't say that again. I promise."

"You are everything I have... I... I mean... you are everything your mother has now. She needs you. Don't think about stupid things like that."

"Okay."

"I'm still going home to Hongseong tomorrow."

"Why? Can't you just stay here? My mother may need you." Se Ri looks at me sadly, like she wants to say something. But eventually she only sighs.

"I can't. Staying here is too much for me." Pain stabs me again. Of course. Memory of her deceased husband might be too much to handle right now.

"It's understandable... you've lost everything. Of course it's hard for you to be here." I find her looks at me intensely. Again, feeling like she wants to say something.

"Yes. It's hard for me. I want to grieve in peace. I can't stand to... have people that I don't know coming over." She looks away wiping her tears. People she doesn't know? What's that about?

I nod helplessly. "Okay, I'll take you to Hongseong tomorrow. Can I do anything to change your mind?" She shakes her head still turns away from me.

"Fine. Let's get some rest. You're tired." I get out of the car and wait for her. Just before entering the house, I ask her one more time.

"Are you really okay?" She nods without looking at me.

"So, we're good?"

"We're good. Thank you for the letter." She replies softly.

I nod. "Thank you for the word slap." I say it jokingly to diffuse the tension between us. I expect it to be a futile attempt to make her smile, but surprisingly I see the corner of her mouth turns up to form a close-mouthed smile.

And that's enough to induce my first smile in days.

***

When I woke up this morning - long past my usual waking hour - I felt all the exhaustion from the past few days caught up with me. My body ached and my head hurt.

I haven't had a good sleep since the crash happened which was probably normal. I dreamed about that last sentence again. Couple that with the reality of Se Ri's departure to her hometown this morning, I felt lethargic all of sudden.