Sky High

Double Edged

Yoon Se Ri

As if the long distance thing we did the last three months is not enough, Jeong Hyeok is really gone for a mission. Love is so cruel to me. Losing someone to a battlefield is supposedly enough lesson for heartbreak, yet, here I am.

Willing to go through all of this again. In the name of love. What a contradiction. Love heals you but it is source of your despair, too.

Day fourteen and I still reach out to his side of the bed every morning. Seeking the remain of warmth from our last night together and yearning for his presence.

Day fourteen and I already bear dissatisfaction to the love of my life. But I'm the one who's left behind, I think I'm entitled to have resentment towards him. Or his job. I'm definitely not lying when I said I hated his job.

A tiny part of me resents that he doesn't have to make any sacrifices in this. I know, I know it's not his fault or even his choice. But still, I don't like it. Not one bit. Not at all.

Jeong Hyeok said he would listen if his mother said his job was too much for her, will he also listen if I am the one who tell him that?

"Would you give up flying for me?"

That question sounds so cruel even in my own head. Because I know his love for the sky is incomparable and being a fighter pilot is a part of him. It's what makes him who he is.

No, I can't possibly ask that to him. If he's gonna be on the ground, the willingness and the sacrifice have to come from him.

Sometimes I wish I love someone else. Not a kind, gentle fighter pilot who chooses to take his life into his own hands every time he goes to work. But it is my reality, a fact that I have to come to terms with.

I can't love one part of him and not love it all. I love him and I want him to live his dream and be happy. And that will be enough for me.

I raise my hand to the ceiling, the ring situated perfectly in my ring finger glints as it catches the sunlight from outside. I'm grinning at it thinking about the happiness in our faces that day.

So, I'll endure. I mean... what can I do? I've said the big fat 'YES' to him.

I'll just whine to my girlfriends if everything bothers me again. Which is of course happens often enough.

"I guess it's that time of the year again." Ae Rin nudges my shoulder lightly. We are taking another stroll in the park a few days later, both Dan and Ae Rin seem unfazed with the reality of their husbands departure.

"I still don't know how you do it. How come you don't find it harder every time they leave?" I whine to them.

Dan and Ae Rin look at each other. "We have it better than you, obviously. We don't have to wait for a week to meet our men. I'm sorry, Se Ri-ah." Ae Rin softly says.

"It's harder. Of course, it's harder, girl. I can't breathe whenever Seung Jun is away for missions. The fear is constant. Like a knot that can't be untied, you know? It lives inside, never goes away, never shuts off. Every time he calls, I can breathe again. When he hangs up, I'm holding my breath again." Dan gets candid and shares more about the reality of loving someone like them.

"Is it worth it?" I raise my eyebrow in question.

The girls each grab one of my arm and hug me. "Don't think anything negative. It won't help you. Later, when Captain comes home, tell him what's on your mind," Ae Rin advises before continuing.

"For me, personally... earlier in our marriage, a few times I wished I fell in love with someone... ordinary and that would be enough. No dangerous job, no long missions, no moving."