bloom • sirius black • marauders era | book one

chapter seventeen

1975

Jones Manor

Fourth Year

"I can't believe your mum and dad actually agreed."

"Yeah, I can't either."

That was a lie. I knew my parents had let me go to Hestia's for Christmas break because I'd basically begged them. It must've also been the change of tone in my letters which had gone from buzzing excitement as I described every new experience to withdrawn and curt.

Deep down, I hated who I'd become in the wake of Severus' brutal revelation. Nothing throws you off like finding out your years-long crush has his eyes set on your sister.

I typically hated being away from my family, and I never really was considering Lily was always by my side, but the events that had transpired gave me no other option. To go back home and spend time with Lily and Severus as though we were the trio we once were would be too much for my heart to bear.

I'd just recently begun to feel okay with seeing Severus around the castle but nothing else. Our friendship fell apart as soon as I discovered I was just a tagalong and a nuisance in the grand scheme of things. A hot flame of shame ran through me as I imagined how annoying my presence must've been to Severus throughout the years. Here I was dying to declare my love, and he probably couldn't wait to get rid of me to be with Lily.

Speaking of Lily, the feeling of shame made a return as I recalled the strained relationship we now had. It was entirely my fault as Lily tried every route to get through to me until she admitted defeat. I held no hate or contempt for my sister, I just wished I could tell her that. Every time she looked my way or spoke to me I could see and hear the sadness. Petunia probably seemed like the best sister ever in comparison to me. The guilt ate away at me but I remembered the promise I made to Severus.

When my heartbreak had just happened all I wanted to do was run to Lily. She had always been the biggest comfort to me and not being able to tell her everything was torture.

Sometimes I found myself wanting to break the promise I made to Severus but I wanted to honor the feelings I'd once had for him. I knew very well nothing would come of it now but he was my first love and that meant something to me. As badly as I wanted things to go back to how they were there was no mending what'd happened.

Lily didn't deserve how I'd been treating her but I couldn't help but want to spill my guts whenever I saw her. I didn't know how to act around her anymore. Not without breaking the promise.

That's why, with the help of Hestia, I decided to separate myself fully and try to heal. Right now it felt like I had a bandaid on a stab wound. There was a lot I needed to reflect on and the best way to do that would be to remove myself from the situation.

Jones' Manor was more beautiful than I could've expected. As I looked around taking in the moving portraits and the sparkling of the chandeliers I was in awe. I tried to reel it in but my jaw dropped when I saw the garden. As we passed by the sitting room to set our trunks in our respective rooms the pops of color and overall symmetry caught my eye. I wanted to read for a whole day and admire the beauty they'd cultivated out there.

The guest room I'd been directed to was enormous and I'd definitely have to look into all the details at a later time. There was so much to do, I finally had something to look forward to.

I was already in such a better headspace than when I'd been at Hogwarts drowning in my own misery. The castle had once been such a safe space for me but as of recently, I felt trapped. Coming to Hestia's and taking in this new environment was the best decision I'd made in a long time.

As I continued to admire it, I found the everyday signs of magic throughout the house the most fascinating. I saw tea being served on its own and a pair of needles knitting away as well as countless other things. I had of course seen instances like these at Hogwarts but seeing them in a home setting took me aback. Growing up with a Muggle family and not knowing about the Wizarding World didn't allow for this ease with magic.

Suddenly, I was hit with a wave of sadness as I thought of what Lily and Severus could be doing right now. They'd probably be at the candy store in town trying the seasonal treats, Mr. Lumbart, the owner, had put out. I could almost taste the peppermints and the snow lollies we'd always get. I ached for the simplicity and familiarity of those moments but knowing what I now knew, it'd never happen again. Lily would always be my sister but I feared my friendship with Severus was irreparable. Perhaps, it was exactly what he wanted at least based on the way he treated me.

After I found out about his crush on Lily, we went from spending hours discussing books to reluctantly greeting each other. When we parted ways for Christmas break the usual hug we gave each other was replaced by an awkward wave.

Looking back, it was always me who initiated the hugs, and once again I realized how desperate I'd been. It was no wonder he didn't want me. Lily was confident and independent in a way I'd always been afraid to. This was a wake-up call; it was time I shaped myself up to be the type of person I always wanted to be. As I nursed the wounds I still had I'd also invest time in evolving into someone I could be proud of.