nine thousand miles | cazzie

fourteen

I've dated boys in my life. 2 boys to be exact.

The first one, I wouldn't exactly say we were official but it was probably the most genuine connection I ever had with a boy. I was in kindergarten and I always brought this one matchbox car that I owned. At recess this boy James took it. And he wouldn't give it back. So I did the most sensible thing a girl could do. I kissed him. "I'll kiss you again if you give me back my toy," I told him, one hand on my hip. Not only did I get my toy back, I also got my first boyfriend. Unfortunately, he moved away two months later and on his last day at school, his family came to pick him up. I remember when his sister stepped out of the car. The moment she caught my eye, all I could think about was how much more attractive she was than James. Of course, as a 6 year old, I didn't immediately think of her in any romantic sense but I did stare at her longer than I intended to. I found myself more upset that I wouldn't be able to see her again than about the fact that my first boyfriend was leaving.

I got my second boyfriend in Clayton. Ryan. He's the current captain of the lacrosse team and is actually a really, really nice guy. We were paired up for a school project and I went over to his house to work on it with him. He had the assumption that I liked him more than a friend, so he took his chances and kissed me. I didn't pull away but I didn't exactly kiss him back immediately because the truth was, there was no instant connection. I had read many books and watched many movies and I know that you're supposed to feel an immediate connection with someone if you truly like them. But he was attractive. Fairly smart. Great lacrosse player. And just generally a really, really nice guy. So I took my chances with him but we fell apart shortly after, because I started to drift from him. Because no matter how many times I tried to, and trust me I really tried, the connection never happened. I didn't want to kiss him and I didn't even want to hug him. But I just assumed that it was because he wasn't my type. And he didn't look like Leonardo DiCaprio.

But that wasn't the problem. Even if I stumbled upon Leonardo DiCaprio, I wouldn't feel the instant connection. But I never questioned why.

And then there was Casey Gardner. She didn't even need to say anything and the instant connection was formed. The moment she met my eyes I knew that I would never find anyone else more attractive than her ever again. It felt different. And it was confusing. Because she's a girl.

Maybe that's what's different. Of course personality wise, Casey could beat out every single guy I've ever looked at but just because she was a girl, it felt right. Why? Questions, questions, questions.

It didn't terrify me when Casey and I got together. Of course at the back of my mind, I had concerns about how people would view us, being two girls in love. Obviously, those views don't matter because I am with someone I love and she makes me so, so happy. No one seemed to have a problem with it. Clayton's pretty progressive about this I'd like to think. They can obviously do more but I've seen GSA meetings at school and Erika has told me that the parent's association meeting talks about these issues too.

My dad is fine with it. Erika is fine with it, obviously. Casey's mum is fine with it. So why isn't her dad fine with it? Why is he so against the love I have for his daughter? He hasn't even met me yet and immediately disapproved of it after simply finding out that I'm a girl.

What does this mean for me and Casey? So for the first time since we got together, I actually thoroughly started to think about us. Is this right? No, it definitely is, I know it. Instant connection remember?

But is it possible? I was not too sure of that. How do I even bring this up to Casey? Should I even tell Casey? Should I tell anyone?

"You're awfully quiet this morning," The sweet sound of my girlfriend's voice caught my attention as I looked up at her. Her hair was wet after her shower and she had her towel hung around her neck. She bent down to kiss me, catching me off guard. "Is there something on your mind?" She asked and I looked away.