nine thousand miles | cazzie

seventeen

I haven't left the bed for a week.

One week.

A whole fucking week since we broke up.

I'm surprised I'm still surviving. But barely. I can't remember the last meal I had. The last shower I took. The only thing etched on my mind was Casey's tear-stained face and the pain in my eyes. It physically hurt knowing that I was the cause of it.

I spent most of my time thinking about why I did what I did. I knew that if I had just accepted what Casey said, we would both probably be happy right now. But that happiness would be temporary. It wasn't going to change what Mr Gardner thought of me. And what if one day Casey realises that track has always been her calling and she starts despising me for holding her back.

"The pain is temporary. It's better for both of us in the long run," I kept telling myself, every time I would cry uncontrollably about the girl. One thing I knew for sure though was that I would never lose the love I have for her. I would never lose the special soft spot I will always have for her.

I was falling behind in school. It was the third month and we were already half way through. But I felt myself moving back. Erika managed to keep up the lie that I was extremely sick just so Patrick would let me stay back. She also brought back all the assignments and projects, despite knowing that I wouldn't even start on them.

Right now, I laid in bed, covers over me. I had been ignoring my dad's calls all week, using the same excuse of 'I'm busy' or 'I'm tired'. I knew I would have to call him back eventually but I just couldn't keep up a conversation with anyone for more than a minute.

I heard the door creak open and I didn't bother looking up, knowing it was Erika. I'm assuming it was around 8pm. "I got you food," I heard her say and I didn't move or react.

"Iz. You haven't eaten for 3 days," She said, followed by a sigh when I still didn't respond. I felt the cold air hit my skin when she yanked the blanket off me. "Izzie, I know it's hard right now. But you can't be punishing yourself like that," She said sternly, climbing into the bed to sit next to me. She reached her arms out to carry me up. I laid my back against the head of the bed before giving her a blank expression.

At this point, I didn't know what I was feeling. It hurt to use my muscles to give her any other facial expression. "I got you Chinese food. I know it's your favourite."

Fuck. It's Casey's favourite too.

"I'm not hungry," I mumbled. "I walked blocks to get this for you. Eat," She said, opening up the boxes. I reluctantly took the box and the chopsticks. Erika's face lit up when she saw me start to chew.

"How's school?" I asked her. I hadn't checked in with how she was doing the past week but selfishly, the only person I wanted to know about right now was Casey.

"Meh it's alright I guess. We're not learning anything too major so you don't have to worry about catching up. I'll teach you once you feel better," She said and I cracked a smile at her.

"How's Quinn?" I asked. "Horrible. Going through the same thing as me," She replied and I looked at her confused. "I've been so worried about you this week. And she's been worried about Casey too," She said softly when she mentioned Casey.

"Um... did she say anything else about her?" I asked and Erika looked at me in sadness. "I don't really know much but... she's hurt Casey. Very hurt..."

I started to pick at my food, losing the appetite to eat. "She has to understand why I did it though..." I whispered.

"Honestly Iz, I don't really understand why you did it either," She said. "We were going to break up anyway. If her dad could give her such an ultimatum, there's no doubt he'll do anything and everything to keep breaking us up. It's better that we just ended it now."