Reality Ruined My Fantasties

Day Twenty Four

Dear Reader,
I lied. I thought I could live without having to write down my emotions but in reality, in this crappy reality, I can't. I can't be honest. I can't trust myself. I can barely tell you these things Reader. But I need to. I need to have someone know what's going on inside my head. For my head is one crazy nuclear bomb exploding every five minutes.
It all started with this Emily incident. I'm not mad at Emily, not anymore. But that's where my faith in my friends shattered. I've become an outcast. I'm not as happy as the other kids I hang around with. And somedays I can't stand the people I hang out with. They can be so needy and they want to know everything but I can't spill. And I won't spill my secrets so easily again. But that's not the only reason I can't stand them. These people get so stuck on one topic or one person that they 'hate'. They focus all of their energy on thinking about this person and I don't understand why. No one seems to know what forgiveness is anymore. That annoys me more than anything. I don't want to lash out at these people but I'm fearful that one day I won't be able to stop myself from screaming.

Another problem in Rae-land is that I told my parents about these sleeping issues I've had. They want to take me to a doctor and I'm scared. What if something is messed up with me? That would explain so much. But medication and doctors asking me about what goes on my head; that scares me more than anything. I've also found that eating is now less appealing. I've been eating less and less ever since the spring musical I acted in. I don't know why; I'm not anorexic. I don't have a burning desire to be skinny. I just lost my appetite, all the time. Reader my life feels like it's hit rock bottom, but I know it could be worse. Right now I don't how much more I can handle.

I'm trying to stay strong. I'm blessed to have friends that will listen to me but they live so far away. It's hard to feel loved when your friends live half way across the nation. I have puppies who somewhat listen to me in between scratching themselves. My parents are gone all day and anything I try to tell them something, they don't listen. I've been trying to convey my insomnia for years now. I had to break down in front of them for my parents to finally realize that I need help. I need someone, anyone to listen to me, to listen to the words I say and the words I don't say. My 'friends' think I need a bae but really I just need a listener. Someone who won't talk over me, someone who won't just smile and nod. I just need a best friend. Is that too much to ask for? Because without a friend, I'm left on rock bottom.

Sincerely,
Rae

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." - J.K. Rowling