Through The Len's Part Two

15: Happy 10 Years

It was meant to be my and Ian's 10 year anniversary today. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I knew I had to it was Noah's birthday. But I just wanted to lay here with my little girl all day long.

I went on my phone whilst Indiana was splashing in her bath. All over social were posts about Ian and me from fan accounts. It just made it worse. 10 years we had been in a relationship together. On our first anniversary, no one even knew we were together, I remember posting a picture of me holding his hand. And now according to Ian were getting a divorce. Maybe my parents were the only couple in my life that would last forever? Maybe I was too young and rushed into the commitment because it was comfortable.

Though I knew that wasn't true. I knew I loved Ian. He made me feel safe. He made me feel loved. I wish I didn't still have these strong feelings for him. I wish the pain made them melt away. There were definitely moments where I thought I had stopped 'loving' Ian over the time we have been separated. But mum used to say to me "Sometimes pain gets too loud and you can't hear the love, that doesn't mean it's not there." I think my pain just got loud sometimes, for breif moments my love for him is still there and I feel so stupid for it!

He hurt me! I should be able to process that and come to the conclusion he isn't worthy of my love. But I've hurt him before. Maybe not as big as this I didn't break his trust but we've both had to sacrifice things for this relationship. It never stopped him from loving me. Maybe when he slept with Nikki his pain was too loud to hear the love he felt for me... Maybe that's why he did it.

I locked my phone before turning my full attention to Indie. I cleaned her up and washed her hair before getting out and changed ready for Noah's party. She loved getting dressed up in pretty dresses. And she would always bring me her comb to brush through her curls. It took me just under an hour to get her ready and then I started to get myself ready. I did y hair and make-up in her playroom so she could play whilst I focused on making myself look more alive. I got her a snack before we left and then went to Nina's place.

There was no music on when I got that there which was odd because we were running late. I went into the lounge where everyone was stood and sat around looking at the TV screen. Ian was being videoed asleep on the floor near a dumpster bottle of bourbon in hand.

"Isabella." Nina began. I turned Indie away from the screen and smiled at her as she began to say dada clearly recognising him. "Shall we go find the birthday boy," I say to her excitedly so she got distracted?

"Noah!" I called. "No," Indie called in an attempt to call her cousin. I left the room full of people and went out into the garden. "Aunty Bella!" The kids called. "Hi, guys." I hugged a few of them. "I think we need some music don't you guys?" I asked them. "Lilly go plug my phone into the speaker," I tell her handing it to her, she knew what to do with it. "Happy Birthday!" I say to Noah kneeling down so Indie could hug him too. "Thank you." He said with a big smile. "Present is in the car, I'll get your dad to go get it." His face lit up. "Did you get it?" "Do I ever not get you what you ask for?" His smile widened. "Be sure to say thank you to Uncle Ian too," I tell him before he ran off with my car keys to his dad. I got him a 'funkart' which is essentially a go-kart that runs on petrol but for home use. Chris approved of me getting it him. He'll love it!

"Can I take Indie to the bounce house?" Lilly asked me. "Just be careful she doesn't hit her head okay." She nodded knowing the drill. She took Indie's hand and walked her down to the bounce house. I stood watching from the decking. The music was playing and the kids were dancing and running around playing with one another.

"Here are your keys," Chris says handing them back to me. "Thanks for getting it him." "I'm not the best aunty in the world because I give the best hugs..." "So you buy your position in their lives." "Duh." I was laughing. "But I will not be responsible for any injuries," I say and we laugh again. "Can you watch Indie, she's with Lilly," I tell him. He nodded and I go back into the lounge.