Thursday

27. I Can't Do This

I ran around the corner so no one would see me break. I collapsed to my knees, my eyes filling with tears. 

"Logan." She called out. 

"Piss off Pelessaria." I snapped. 

She is not doing this to me today. 

"I'm sorry." She said, ignoring my words. 

She slowly walked towards me, crouching in front of me. 

"Please Logan." She sounded broken, her words cracking under the strain of her voice.

"I don't want to hear it," I said, still quietly sobbing into my arms. 

This woman broke me and now she wants to have a conversation?

"I couldn't see you." She was almost crying.

"I don't care." I retorted.

She placed her hand on my knee, "Please listen to me." 

I jerked myself backwards, standing up abruptly. I don't want to be near her right now. 

"Just leave. You're good at that." I hissed.

"Please. I'm so sorry." She tried to come closer again, there were tears in her eyes but she held them back.

I can't, is she fucking serious? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND! I was getting angrier by the second.

"Logi... I need you." She pleaded.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. YOU FUCKING LEFT, PEGGY." I screamed, "YOU DIDN'T BOTHER COMING BACK. YOU JUST WROTE SOME STUPID NOTE AND THOUGHT, OH WELL THAT'S SORTED, I'LL JUST FUCK OFF NOW." My words were breaking under the strain of my voice.

I caught my breath, calming down slightly, "How about you just fuck off again." I hissed, turning around to leave but she grabbed my arm, pulling me into her.

I tried to hold back the emotions that were piling up. I was so angry but I was so relieved at the same time. It felt like the world had started spinning again as if time had finally caught up. It was so hard to stay mad. 

I needed to be away from her. I can't just forgive her for this.

"You can't do this to me." I sobbed into her chest, "You already left me, you need to let me go." I said, taking a deep breath and gently pulling myself away from her.

Tears were running down her face, my words hurt her but they needed to be said. If she can't make up her mind then she has to let me go. I turned around to walk away for the last time.

"I fell in love with you."

I stopped dead in my tracks.

I could hear her cautiously stepping towards me, "Logan, I left you because I love you. I couldn't bear to lose you. So I left before you could leave me..."

I slowly turned around to meet her eyes, studying them for any indication she was lying. To my dismay, I couldn't find anything...

"That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard." I bitterly replied, "You left me, not giving a single toss about how I'd feel. So that you wouldn't have to be sad?"

"I know it was selfish... it wasn't just about that. I also didn't want to get in the way of your life." She tried to explain.

"I wouldn't have let you get in the way." I retorted.

"Please Logan. I still care about you." She pleaded. 

"I thought I loved you," I admitted, bowing my head so that I wouldn't have to look at her. 

"Really?" Her voice resonated with hope. 

"Yeah, before you left me," I said, quickly glaring at her. 

The light in her eyes disappeared and I immediately felt guilty. Maybe that was too mean. 

"What do you want?" I asked her. 

"I just want you in my life, I don't care how. Even if we're just friends, I don't want to lose you." She said softly.

I sighed, taking in the information. This isn't gonna happen overnight, I don't even know if I still want to be with her. She destroyed my heart, who's to say it won't happen again?

"I need some time," I stated. 

"Okay." She replied, still with a glimmer of hope in her voice.

I don't know what she's expecting to happen, I only know that a part of me might love her.