A 'Married-Life' So... Beautiful?

CHAPTER XX

*Chen Xiaoxi's POV*

The three pregnancy tests are telling me that it is, in fact, true.

I'm expecting a baby.

Me and Jiang Chen are expecting a baby.

The hope I felt to fight for my life and my baby from the speculation I had earlier, was made even more stronger now that the lines are telling me I'm carrying a child.

I broke down in tears. I can't believe it. I'm not mad at the child for coming at a time like this... I'm mad at myself that I'm weak to carry a child.

I was holding the pregnancy tests as if my life depended on it. If it falls down and break, I'll feel like I've done something wrong to my child.

My child...

Our child...

My eyes still cannot perceive vision because of newly-formed tears trying to escape my eyes again. I looked below where my eyes could rest on my stomach and I caressed it gently, like it was the most fragile thing in the world, and it could break any moment.

I stood from the toilet and took a look at myself in the mirror. I'm a mess. But I'm going to fix myself. Not for me, but for the child I'm carrying.

I stood sideway and took a look at mysel again, this time making sure notice of my stomach very carefully. The bump isn't there yet, but I'm sure in no time, it'll come.

I honestly don't know what to feel. I'm happy but the worry won't subside. I don't want it to overcome the hppiness I'm feeling.

Am I ready for this chapter in my life? Am I strong enough to carry this child? Will I ever see her?

I shrugged the last thought. If hope was rare to find the last few days, well now, I have hope inside me. If no one can touch the idea of hope, well I can.

I smiled and looked at my tummy again. I caressed it.

"I'll fight for us. I promise," I told my baby like it could hear it... but I couldn't finish my message because tears escaped my eyes against my will.

I went out of the bathroom. The female clerk who tended my requests earlier was attentively looking at me as I closed the door. I know that she's been waiting for my return ever since I broke the speculation to her.

Her eyes were asking, so in reply, I smiled.

She immediately got the message and covered her mouth with her two hands... it's either she couldn't believe it and she's happy or she's extremely worried, for me and my baby.

I then proceeded to go upstairs to rest and the look back at everything that happened just this day alone.

This time, healing is a must. I need to force myself to heal if I have to. I'm responsible for another heartbeat inside of me.

My reverie was cut when Jiang Chen went inside the room.

I want to tell Jiang Chen the news, but now is not the time.

He immediately went to my side and sat. He took a glance at all the appratus beside my bed and checked if everything was alright.

He then shifted his gaze to me. Something caressed my heart when I noticed his tired trying to make an effort to be cheerful to tell me everything is fine. The bags underneath his eyes tell me that it's been days since the last he slept without any disturbance.

He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead, my cheek. He then caressed my stomach with his thumb.

Does he know? But if he did, he would've told me quickly!

I was taken aback by what he did, partially surprised with the gesture. Maybe he didn't actually mean anything with that, but something is telling me he does.

Why would Jiang Chen keep something from me? Why would Jiang Chen keep himself mum if he knows I'm pregnant? Does he want to make it a surprise?

When his tired eyes met mine again, this time there were tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry..." he held my hand tightly.

What is he apologizing for?

"I'm really really sorry..."

My eyes widened at his next move. He was kneeling beside my bed, still holding my hand like I was going to run away from him.

"Jiang Chen, get up what are you-"

"No, I want to apologize first... Please- please just know that I did this for you and-" he cut me off. There were sobs in between his words and his tight grip on my hands didn't relax.

I don't understand what's happening!

"If this is about our fight yesterday, it's okay! Please get up..." I fixed my posture and sat on my bed. I caressed his back and motioned him to get up from his position.

"I'd rather have you hate me than have you gone," his voice broke. The tears weren't stopping.

Jiang Chen rarely cries or be vulnerable, so seeing him in this state, feeling hopeless and miserable made me think that something must be wrong.

"For you to cry like that and apologize... did you cheat on me?" I asked him. This is not what I'm actually speculating. I'm just trying to get a reaction from him.

"Wh-what? No!" He immediately defended himself.

"Oh? So what are you apologizing for?"

He didn't reply. Instead he just hugged me tight. My shoulder was wet from the tears but I didn't mind. I held his head and caressed it, as if caring for a needy baby. I pat his back and let him finish his outburst.

"Time will come and you'll hate me more than you can handle... I'm afraid of what you'll do... but please know I did it for you" he said in a muffled tone due to his face's position lying on my shoulder.

"I'll try understand your side Jiang Chen then figure out what I'll do... in case it happens." I said with conviction. Jiang Chen isn't the type to fool around inside a commitment so I let myself be calmed with the thought that whatever Jiang Chen did wrong, it's not gonna hurt me...

"I really hope your mind won't be clouded by anger or grief... because if I was in your position I would too," he said as he looked at me with full misery.