at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

six

Trigger Warning

This chapter shows depressive episodes and pessimism.

**

I couldn't sleep.

Yet I felt tired to my core that I couldn't even reach out for my pills and just decided to stare at the ceiling until I realized it was already daytime. Dumaan na rin 'yung iba kasama ko sa room at inaya akong kumain, pero tumanggi na lang ako.

Pakiramdam ko na-drain ako bigla. 'Yung will to function ko biglang nada. Zilch. Hindi ko rin maipaliwanag sa iba kahit ang sabi naman sa'kin ay 'wag kong itago. There's a part of me that wants to reach out for help, yet even that part was draining enough when I knew no one would be able to understand how the episodes stretch and screw the shit out of me.

Kailangan ko na yatang maghanap ng apartment na ako lang.

The dorm was okay... it was pretty much alive, but it feels chaos when I want to isolate and distance myself from anything. The last thing I didn't want to do is lash out on anyone who'd ask me if I was okay.

I felt guilty nang tignan ko ulit 'yung phone ko at andaming missed calls ni mama. I was disassociating again, and even when it didn't feel right, I couldn't help but to ignore the world and isolate. Ang selfish siguro pakinggan na may mga tumutulong na nga sa'kin, pero ako rin 'tong lumalayo—I know how much people around me wants to help me, but it's frustrating for me, too... Because it feels bad whenever they try and feel like they're unable to, that they just keep on trying to reach out.

But it feels worst when I'm at the point where I'd think that they won't understand me so I won't even bother turning on my phone and just push people away until I could finally [barely] function.

May nabasa akong gano'n sa Facebook... ang sad girl daw pakinggan kaya tinatawanan ko na lang. Nakakagalit. Nagagalit ako minsan sa sarili ko kasi nakakapagod mag-function nang maayos... pinipilit kong maging stable, pero nawawalan din ako ng control sa sarili. May mga araw na alam ko namang hindi dapat ako umiyak, pero hindi ko rin mapigilan... may mga araw na gusto kong umiyak, pero iniisip ko na nakakapagod.

Zone out lang.

Nagulat ako nang may kumalabit sa paa ko dahilan para mapaupo ako at ngumiti. Akala ko nga si Rene, pero pagkatingin ko sa baba, 'yung isang kasama pala namin sa room.

"Ba't namamaga mata mo?" She looked concern when she saw me... probably looking like a mess. But I already got used to hiding how numb I was... pakiramdam ko nga minsan lahat ng ginagawa ko out of hiding na lang.

Natawa naman ako at kinuha ang phone ko para tignan, "Kinagat yata," sambit ko habang may yakap na unan. "Pasok ka na?"

Tumango naman siya, "Kumain ka na. 'Di ka pa yata kumakain." Ngumiti na lang ako at tumango bilang sagot bago siya nagpaalam at lumabas na ng kwarto. Napahiga na lang ulit ako sa kama, minsa'y sinisilip 'yung mga sticky notes na nakadikit sa dingding bago napa-buntonghininga.

Gusto kong bumangon at mag-aral.

Mamaya na lang siguro.

When I felt like I wanted to cry, I finally reached out for my sleeping pills to escape. I couldn't find any reason and that was the usual phase I go through whenever it visits me like an uninvited guest—just hollow. Kahit paulit-ulit kong isipin kung bakit, wala pa rin. Hindi rin naman ako malungkot. What happened yesterday was a passing situation, and even when it did trigger my anxiety—it was far more than just being sad.

I was at the verge of doing absolutely nothing, again.

I didn't realize that I fell asleep moments after I took my sleeping pills until my alarm rang—an hour before our classes in Anatomy.