at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

eight

When you're a little in-depth with your degree program, that's when the doubt starts—as for me, it probably started when I almost failed a quiz in HIS. I mean... hindi naman talaga ako gano'n katalino, unlike my other friends who are really good in memorization and reviewing techniques. Kumbaga siguro... average lang pero grade conscious pa rin. Masaya na basta sakto, or hindi lowest sa class. Hindi ko rin alam if it was because I reviewed a little, or I was a little too confident that I'd fare the quiz.

Either way... it's still my fault. I had no one to blame naman talaga but myself. But even when it was just a quiz, I couldn't help but ask myself if it was really for me. 

Pakiramdam ko kasi nahuhuli ako sa pagsabay ng agos. Parang lahat sila na-ma-master na 'yung craft, tapos ako, parang wala pa rin... stagnant pa rin. Ando'n 'yung will para mag-aral at matuto, pero hindi ko alam kung pa'no ibalik 'yung spark kasi pakiramdam ko rin nawawala na... 

Every day para akong napupunding ilaw. 

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras na'kong nakatitig sa orasan sa harapan ko imbes na magbasa para sa long quiz namin sa minor. Hindi ko alam kung pa'no i-p-process lahat ng 'to sa ilang oras lang. Pa'no ba naman kasi, alas dose nang umaga talaga nag-announce 'yung prof namin na may quiz, e ni hindi pa nga kami nagka-klase do'n. Buti sana kung walang bearing 'yung minor sa final grades, e sa totoo nga, minsan mas mataas pa major mo kaysa sa minor. Nakakainis na lang din minsan.

No'ng hindi ko na talaga kinaya dahil mag-a-alas kwatro na ay itinulog ko na lang. 1:30 pa naman 'yung minor namin, at wala naman masyadong gagawin sa laboratory since pre-lab lang 'yung grupo namin at iba 'yung mag-e-experiment ngayon. Siguro do'n na lang din ako magbabasa.

Mga dalawang oras din ako nakatulog bago tumunog 'yung alarm sa phone ko. Buti na lang medyo light sleeper din ako kaya mabilis akong nagigising sa alarm. Pagkapatay ko ng alarm ay tahimik akong bumaba sa deck at kinuha na 'yung gamit ko. I was still sleepy as hell kaya medyo nakagising 'yung lamig ng tubig. Sobrang lamig! Akala ko nga naliligo na'ko ng ice, pero ayos na rin... medy nahimasmasan ako kahit pa paano.

The past few days, despite the constant doubts and loss of self-confidence, I was a little okay. Little less, probably. The medicines were helping me to cope, yet sometimes I'd probably want to opt for placebo since ayaw ko namang dumipende na lang sa gamot habambuhay. Although I know they're always going to be a part of me, yet as much as possible, I still want to live a life where I don't have to constantly worry about my imbalanced serotonin or other triggering factors since hindi lang naman chemical matters ang kondisyon ko. It was a part of it, but most of the time, that's the biggest misconception when it comes to depression--it's not just the highs and lows of chemicals in the brain... it's more than just that.

Kasi kung gano'n lang naman... why do patients undergoing treatment differ when it comes to medications? Not many of us have the same treatments. There's just a lot going on, and little to no research leads people to stigmatize the condition.

When I came back to our room, Rene was already dressed in her uniform. So far, we were all still okay. What happened wasn't much of an antagonizing event that distressed the friendship, although Corrine would sometimes tell me she really seemed like someone who'd ruin someone's life. Pero ayaw ko rin namang mag-jump into conclusions. Rene already apologized to me back then, and after that, maayos naman na kaming lahat. I just didn't want to mind it at all, I have a lot on my plate to deal with already, ayaw ko nang dagdagan pa.

"Nag-review ka ba? Omg, hindi ko nabasa." 

I frowned, "I tried kanina kaso wala rin akong naalala," I said. Kasi totoo naman! Wala talaga akong naalala kahit sinubukan kong magbasa kanina. Buti na lang lecture lang din kami sa Anaphy ngayon.