at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

seven

As compared to yesterday's, I was less drained. It was partly because of the medicines I had to take to keep my serotonin levels in balance, and my anxiety attacks under control, pero siguro nag-contribute na rin 'yung fact na medyo maayos naman na kami nila Rene. Nagbibiruan na rin ulit sila sa group chat namin kaya pakiramdam ko nawalan ako ng burden kahit pa paano.

Apparently, Corrine messaged me that Rene reached out to her and explained her side even when it was unsolicited. Naintindihan din naman daw ni Corrine since na-realize rin niya na it'd be too immature if she'd jump into conclusions sa isang incident na hindi naman niya sinadya. Nag-worry lang din naman daw talaga siya sa'kin kasi it didn't seem nice to look in other's perspective and tried to put herself in my shoes, which was very considerate of her. 

I wish people considered other's feelings, too. I have always wished for that.

And then maybe the world would become a better place.

"Morning, Telly! Kain ka na," nakangiting sambit ni Rene nang mapadaan siya sa'kin na may bitbit na bento box. From what I heard, Rene's family is rich--like old-money rich since may sariling ospital sila sa Pampanga, kaya hindi na rin ako nagtataka na sa aura pa lang niya halatang-halata na talaga na lumaki siyang mayaman. She even has a car of her own since ayaw naman daw niyang maging dependent sa driver nila, and she liked driving by herself--therapeutic daw kasi para sa kaniya.

Sa sobrang nerbyosa ko, ang therapeutic lang sa'kin pagdating sa travels ay 'yung maging passenger. Baka nagsisimula pa lang 'yung engine maiyak na'ko.

Ngumiti naman ako at tumango habang inaayos 'yung kuwelyo ng uniform ko. Ilang weeks na'kong medtech student, pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilang kiligin minsan... kahit nakaka-drain madalas dahil ang daming ginagawa, tapos 'yung mga minors namin feeling major pa. Although naiintindihan ko naman na parehong kailangan 'yung minors, pero minsan napapaisip din ako since ang dami rin naming minors na naulit lang from Senior High. 

When I got finally dressed, nagpaalam muna ako kay Rene na kakain lang bago isinuot 'yung earphones ko at ipinasok 'yung phone sa loob ng bulsa. I called my mom habang naglalakad ako papunta ng canteen na agad naman niyang sinagot. Nginitian ko muna 'yung nakasalubong kong senior na si ate Lula at napatingin sa bitbit niyang phlebotomy kit bago pumasok sa loob.

"How are you feeling now?"

I took a deep breath in and sighed, "Great po... I guess," I answered honestly as I pick out food. Wala pa akong appetite kumain, pero ayaw ko namang biglang mahimatay sa klase. Aside from wanting to spare myself from embarrassment, I just didn't want them to know what I was hiding. When people learn about my condition, they always treat me indifferently. Ito siguro 'yung toxic trait ko... but as much as I want to reach out for help, okay na rin siguro na kaunti lang ang nakakaalam.

Hindi naman sa hindi ako naniniwala sa mga kaibigan ko ngayon. They're fun to be with because I know they're genuine people. They make me feel safe even though I'm far from home, siguro parte na rin no'n 'yung nalaman nilang hindi ako palalabas sa bahay and I've always enjoyed the comforts of being alone in my room. For me, that's always been what's therapeutic for me aside from talking to my psychiatrist and my parents.

If I can hold on for now... I can probably hold on a little while longer.

I know there are secrets that are always bound to come out, and I want to tell them when I'm ready, and I'm not rushing myself to do that. Gusto ko 'yung kapag nalaman nila, maiintindihan nila ako... I hate demanding attention and attention itself kaya I've always tried my best to fit in without anyone having to treat me like I'm a different specie.

I'm still human after all... just a little different.

"Did you drink your meds?"

I nodded, "I did po kahapon," I say. "I'll just eat now and then I'll take it later."