at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

eleven

When I woke up, the feeling of being restless would be an understatement. It was probably because I have been ignoring sleep for the past few days para lang makapag-aral. Breakdowns and coffee were my friends, but I guess they weren't exactly the good ones. The body pain radiates down to my bones, and even if I wanted to cry, my eyes felt dry.

It was that time again--as if I was back to square one.

Where I feel numb.

I never liked the feeling, and yet I was aware if it would come. It's scary... when you can't feel anything but emptiness, pero ayaw mong may mag-alala o magtanong kasi sawa ka na kapag tinatanong nila kung okay ka lang.

I do appreciate when people come to care for me... but sometimes, I don't get why it annoys me. Probably a downside. Alam ko rin naman na it's something that I should celebrate because people actually care for me and my situation... but sometimes I just want to stay away from them and be alone.

I don't know. 

I just suddenly snap.

Until now, if people would ask me what my triggers are, I'd realize it's the smallest things. Whatever that could be. I'd just snap out of myself again and dissociate with the world, and then I'm just back to being that numb girl again. The past all seem to be blurry, but my mom says it's part of the condition--being forgetful. But I don't feel that that's it. Masyadong malaking part ng buhay ko 'yung hindi ko maalala kaya pakiramdam ko minsan may tinatago sila sa'kin. I don't want to overthink about it, but I can't help.

It's as if they're trying to hide something from me... I just can't figure it out, really.

Sinubukan kong umupo, pero hinang-hina ang katawan ko. Sakto namang pumasok bigla si Olly na may dalang tray ng pagkain. 

I sighed.

"Absent ka na."

He shrugged his shoulders, "Just think of it as me part-timing in my dad's clinic."

Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng mararamdaman. If I was awake for the whole time, I would've shunned him out of the room because I felt guilty. Pero ni hindi ako makapagsalita nang maayos dahil sa pagod. Parang gusto ko na lang tumitig sa kisame maghapon at hindi gumalaw. 

"What happened?" Truth be told, I couldn't remember anything that happened. But I didn't want to be too dramatic. Ang naaalala ko lang ay lumabas kami ni Olly, and that's it. Others would probably think it's a joke, but you really tend to be forgetful when the attacks set in. I just... I don't know... everything just feels blank and black. "Did... did I pass out at school?"

"Sorta," Olly says pulling a chair near the bedside. Nag-sink in lalo 'yung nangyari sa'kin no'ng makaramdam ako ng hapdi sa kamay ko. I wanted to do a facepalm, but even lifting my fingers were draining enough that all I could do was mentally give me one. I do remember what could've triggered me... it was probably just university life overall. There are no really certain triggers... it just comes and never goes that even when I thought I have figured it all out, all of a sudden, iba na naman 'yung trigger ko.

It's as if everything's supposed to be triggering for me which is scary... and unhealthy. I might probably end up going back home at this state.

Napa-buntonghininga ako.

"Thank you... Olly," I whispered, barely with a voice. Olly shook his head and smiled, his dimples showing, and then he stayed silent--he didn't ask how or why it happened, he just stayed there probably waiting for me to get hungry since he brought a tray of porridge and a glass of lemonade, yet nevertheless, it was comforting. 

I'd probably sound rude... but it has never been too easy for me to open up, and hearing people forcing me to tell them what's wrong feels like rubbing salt to my wounds. It's not an easy thing to talk about, and yet they seem to feel like it's an obligation for me to open up.