at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

seventeen

"Isa!" I couldn't help but to smile upon hearing my name--I didn't know why. Probably involuntary? It just felt innate within me to feel... a little happy. "Ang bagal mo naman," the little girl says--her voice laced with annoyance. I wanted to run towards the voice, but it felt like I was stuck--I couldn't move my body, but I could see myself running towards her.

I looked happy.

I wish I could be that happy.

I watch myself run towards the little girl, and then before I knew it... I just stopped running.

"No!"

I immediately opened my eyes when I finally felt my body--I was shaking, pero pinilit ko na lang maupo sa kama at abutin 'yung gamot at tubig ko sa gilid. Muntikan pang matapon dahil malakas 'yung panginginig ng mga kamay ko at nanghihina rin, pero pinilit ko na lang buksan 'yung lalagyanan ng gamot at tumbler. It was a little dark, pero may sinag naman ng ilaw sa labas kaya medyo nakikita ko pa rin. 

"Telly, Telly... huminga ka," bulong ko sa sarili ko pagkalunok ko ng gamot. I felt helpless as I struggle--like I was going backwards instead of moving forward. "Tama na..." My voice was shaky as I felt tears fall down from my eyes. I wanted to snap out of it, but it gets heavier the more I try to fight off the demons. The more I try to overcome, the more they barge inside the door and treat me with no respect--and then they linger.

It's not... it's not easy to just snap out of it. 

And yet I have to wear a mask everytime I'm out. I mean, maybe it's my fault that I can't let anyone in for the meantime, and I keep on building walls higher just to distance myself from other people, just so they wouldn't see what's hidden within me.

I know a lot would say it wouldn't get this heavy if I just try to reach out. 

But if only it's that easy.

I wouldn't let myself suffer this way. I know this is not what I deserve, but sometimes, I feel like it is. Kasi pakiramdam ko ang laki-laki ng kasalanan ko kaya kahit subukan kong umahon sa pagkalunod, parang may guilt sa loob ko na hindi ko maintindihan... hindi ko maipaliwanag. And just so I could blame anyone else other than myself for what I'm feeling, I let that guilt project.

And then it becomes deeper to the point that it prevented me from trying to ask for help.

Para akong tangang tumatakbo papalapit sa bangin kaysa lumayo.

Napasapo na lang ako sa noo ko habang hinahabol pa rin ang hininga ko, hinahayaan lang na tumulo ang luha kasi kahit pigilan ko, hindi ko magawa--naka-aircon sa loob ng kwarto namin, pero pawis na pawis ako. The nightmares are constant now that sometimes, I don't even want to sleep anymore just so I wouldn't see any of it.

Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung ano'ng meron, aside sa ang labo rin ng paligid pati ng tumatawag sa'kin. It was, I think, a little girl calling for me but I can't even discern who it was.

Just blurry.

Like a scene at the back of my mind that have been kept for so long so it's just blurry.

Napasandal na lang ako sa dingding at iniabot ang cellphone ko. Alas tres na naman nang umaga. Gusto ko sanang uminom ng yogurt, pero hinang-hina ako kaya ipinikit ko na lang 'yung mata ko hanggang sa maging maayos ulit 'yung paghinga ko. 

Napahilamos ako ng mukha at napatitig na lang sa dilim. 

Buti na lang tulog silang lahat.

Mga ilang minuto rin akong nakasandal sa dingding bago ako naging maayos... kahit pa paano. Kumalma na rin ako nang kaunti, siguro dahil sa gamot, pero gusto pa ring umiyak ng mga mata ko. Ilang araw ko rin yatang kinimkim... hindi ko alam. Kahit naman no'ng nakaraan na dinadalaw ako no'ng panaginip kong 'yun, hindi naman ako naiiyak... iinom lang ako ng gamot para kumalma tapos pipilitin ko ulit 'yung sarili ko na makatulog.