at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

thirteen

I woke up tired--but it wasn't any different as compared to other days. Lagi naman akong gumigising nang pagod, lalo kapag pinipilit ko lang matulog tapos magigising lang ako every hour hanggang sa mag-ring na lang 'yung alarm ko kaya pakiradam ko wala rin akong tulog. I was just thankful it was a weekend and our NSTP professor announced beforehand na wala muna kaming pasok dahil may kailangan siyang asikasuhin kaya kahit pa paano medyo may pahinga kahit kailangang mag-aral pa rin.

"Morning, Rene." Napatingin ako sa ibaba ng deck nang makita ko si Rene. Instead of the usual 'morning, Telly', all she did is nod and smile a little. I didn't really know what was happening between the both of us--it just feels like we're falling apart, pero siguro nag-o-overthink lang din ako? Hindi ko rin alam. It's something you'd just suddenly feel kahit naman walang nangyayari talaga... it just feels like both of you are drifting away from each other and there's nothing you can do about it.

As if it was bound to happen.

Or maybe it's just me... because I'm so good at pushing people away? Or maybe because I sometimes lack social cues?

I can't... really understand.

There's just this existing gut feeling that something's just bound to happen.

And I didn't like it.

But as the Estelita I've ever been--I never really liked confronting people, and sometimes, my friends in Alaminos tells me that I'm too kind just because, pero hindi naman talaga sa gano'n. Kahit naman kasi gustuhin ko, pinapangunahan ako ng takot, kaya ang ending tatahimik na lang ako para walang gulo. 

Which is why I don't really get why some people never understood social anxiety. It's never too easy to overcome something you've been afraid of for the longest time... I mean, tama rin naman na may tapang tayo kahit pa paano para humarap sa mundo--and that's what I've been thinking of ever since I've decided to take a big leap from Alaminos to Quezon City--but just because you find it easy to face people and become the energy of the group, doesn't mean it would be easy for other people.

A lot struggle to just even talk--and if you get frustrated over their anxiety, what more sa kanila? 

It takes more than just courage just to face it.

We just really have to be patient over other people's capacity to deal with what they're afraid of. Kaya mo? Fine. That's good for you. But never force your ideas to someone who already finds it frustrating just because you compare your capability to theirs.

It's nice to fit into someone's shoes sometimes.

Maybe then the world will become a better place.

Without any judgments--and people taking their time to take small steps to move forward.

"Telly?" Napalingon ako sa baba nang may biglang tumawag sa'kin. "Kumain ka na? Mag-lu-lunch na, o. Kanina ka pa nakatitig sa kisame."

I faked a smile, "Kumain po ako ng biscuit," I said, which was true... partially. I took a bite from the biscuit I opened earlier, but I never really got to finish it. 

"Naku ka talaga, namamayat ka na, o! Ano ba gusto mo? Bilhan na lang kita."

I took a deep breath in and finally had the energy para umupo. I've always planned for Saturdays to be my pass--where I could just stare at the ceiling and do absolutely nothing, kasi ginagawa ko naman na lahat kapag weekdays. 

I guess it's really impossible when you live with other people.

My dormmates are really nice. I never really felt alone inside... but it's draining, and sometimes frustrating kapag hindi nila napapansin na nag-aaral ka, although 'yun lang naman talaga 'yung small rant ko kay mama paminsan-minsan, pero bearable naman.