at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

sixteen

Like any other days, I had to pull myself out of the bed and get my shit together just so I could go to class. Ang impossible minsan... dumadating na rin ako sa point na ayaw ko na talagang bumangon. Kaso kailangan kong i-overcome... kahit 'yung feeling lang na 'yun. Hindi ko alam kung pride ko na lang ba talaga 'yung driving machine ko para lang pumasok kasi sinabi ko kila mama na uuwi akong may diploma... parang pride-driven inspiration para mabuhay. I even came to the point that I had to convice myself kasi kahit pa paano, basta may source ako ng willingness, ayos na sa'kin 'yun.

Ang petty siguro pakinggan. Kaya hindi ko rin maiwasang mainggit minsan kapag naririnig ko 'yung drive ng ibang tao to pursue their dreams... I was there at one point--I knew how it felt to be excited because you're finally in College and you're just a few steps from your dreams--and even though I knew it would be hard... I had to convince myself otherwise.

Kasi may pangarap ako.

Kahit 'yun lang naman 'yung matupad ko, okay na'ko.

Kaya madalas tinatawa ko na lang din para may pampalubag-loob naman kahit pa paano. I don't want to get it into me... I don't want it to control my life, but it keeps on lingering like some sort of barnacle and it's tiring the heck out of me.

Ayaw kong magpatalo naman... If people were to tell me I'm not doing myself a favor by just letting it defeat me, I wouldn't be here trying to pursue a distant dream of mine, and putting on a facade every single day. If I were to just choose instead of studying and trying to prove to myself that I can despite of my condition--that it shouldn't hinder me--I'd rather lay down on bed for days, and not force myself to eat and take the meds.

But yet, I do everything opposite to want my body and mind wants because I don't want to let it control my life forever.

I didn't want regrets.

I already regret being the person I am today, I don't want another by letting myself suffer in misery for the rest of my lfie.

I wake up early just so I could get my shit together--probably stare at the wall for a minute or two,  because trying to get up against my will isn't just emotionally damning... it'd even hurt physically. Dizzy spells are just one of these--and maybe this is why I hate how resiliency is glorified. Once it's on the news--people would think that most of us could just get over it like how others did.

But it does not work that way--and I do not blame those who finally got out of the curse. I'm proud of them because they've finally found the willingness that I've lost somewhere. I'm proud of them because they kept going... I just hate how those that never suffered with the condition would feed into the idea that it's easy to heal.

Because it's not.

If it was, I wouldn't be here cursing myself every minute by just fighting against the intrusive thoughts.

And even though we want to quickly heal ourselves so bad from whatever's the cause of our condition--people are never entitled to force us to be okay. Kasi gusto rin naman naming maging okay, kaso kahit gusto namin... ang hirap. Ang hirap kasi kahit subukan mong simulan, biglang nandiyan na naman. Hihilahin ka na naman pabalik hanggang sa hindi ka na naman makabangon. 

To me it always feels like a never-ending cycle that I just got used to. 

Gusto ko rin namang maging okay... kahit maging okay lang kahit pa paano, without the consistent episodes and breakdowns. Without the constant anxiety and voices... kahit gano'n lang. Kasi hindi ko na rin yata maalala kung kailan ba'ko huling naging okay--'yung totoong. People would probably tell that I'm just trying to find excuses for what I'm feeling... but the constant depressive episodes has made me feel like my brain's rotting to it's core. Parang fog... na hindi ko maaalala kung ano'ng nangyari--it feels like it directly attacks my memories.