at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

thirty nine

Being nineteen felt foreign because I was constantly at home and in therapy most of the time. Ever since naman kasi na na-diagnose ako, never akong tumigil sa pag-aaral. I just had to juggle with my acads and the treatments I needed to go through because I thought I'd just get better if I don't ponder that much on my condition.

Lungkot lang 'yan, sabi nila.

I should've known.

"You still have your nightmares?"

I took a deep breath in and sighed, "Every other night, I think," I uttered, recollecting words that I've been wanting to tell after another episode a while ago. Pakiramdam ko sobrang bangag ko na... the constant nightmares were already wearing me down because every time I wake up, I just feel really tired. "I think it's triggering anxiety already."

Doc Pidlaoan nodded, "Do you think the medicine I prescribed you were helping you calm down?"

I paused for a while and nodded a bit, "They do calm me down," I say. "But I think I'd keep on relapsing and relapsing."

Doc Pidlaoan listened to my rumbles as he was scribbling something on his paper before he looked back at the camera, "Telly, your trauma caused PTSD and Dissociative Amnesia which also caused your depression. Dissociative Amnesia was triggered by these two because that was what your brain felt like the best alternative for you to be able to cope with what happened—although you get flashbacks where you have nightmares of what happened in that traumatic situation. The recovery of your lost memories was triggered when your brain forcibly recognized Reen's mother, and this recollected that core memory that was severely affected by your amnesia."

I nodded.

"Since you're not fully recovered yet and you're still suffering with your current condition, I suggest you undergo EMDR and TF-CBT," he uttered. "EMDR which is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and TF-CBT, Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are both therapies that can help you cope with traumas and with your current condition."

"They are both helpful for you to be able to address these negative effects of your trauma and resolve these effects, therefore helping you to disassociate from the trauma produced by such memories," he says with these hand gestures that I've probably seen from several therapists I've been with. "It can actually be done virtually, but we can also arrange in-person therapy when you're finally comfortable again here in QC." Doc Pidlaoan smiled after briefly explaining what EMDR and TF-CBT were. Naintindihan ko naman pero parang alphabet soup sa dami ng letters.

I nodded my head and smiled when he asked me if I wanted the therapy. I just wanted for the nightmares to go away and finally stop antagonizing myself so I'd just probably get whatever therapy was available just so I can finally rest my mind and be at peace. My therapist explained everything in detail which had me think twice because the treatment involved recalling the past memories I wanted to bury deep in my mind, but I guess I just really need to finally face it head on.

Therapy didn't last for long and I called mom para siya na ang makipag-usap kay Doc Pidlaoan para sa therapy. When I finally plopped down on my bed, I checked my phone for messages from Rene. Pagkatapos kasi naming mag-usap, she asked me if I wanted to visit Reen's tomb someday so I waited for the address.

I smiled sadly when her name finally popped up on my screen with a message about Reen's mausoleum in Pampanga... and when she sent photos of the mausoleum, a tear fell down. 

"Did Rene send the address?" mom asked and sat beside me. Tumango naman ako at pinakita sa kaniya 'yung picture kung saan nilibing si Reen. Mom sighed and pulled me into a hug, caressing my hair to calm me down.