at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

ten

TW: self-harm

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When announcements came out for the student council, Toby has been pestering me to join the interview with him since no one in our group wanted to join. I never really liked the idea of joining a student government since pakiramdam ko ang hassle, tsaka one time nag-try akong tumakbo for student council pero ang ending nag-back out ako kasi wala naman akong guts for leadership! Leader sa group, pwede pa. Pero 'yung may handle kang isang buong student body? Holy smokes, that's on another level, and my anxious self won't handle that.

"Si Olly itanong mo," sambit ko habang naglalakad kami papunta sa next class namin. Ang bilis ng araw! Ang daming requirements na kailangan gawin everyday, tapos araw-araw na rin may quizzes sa lahat ng subjects, dagdag pa 'yung mas lalo akong nagpa-panic kasi palapit nang palapit 'yung moving exams namin. Nasisingit ko naman 'yung review, pero parami rin nang parami 'yung ginagawa namin kaya matinding time management talaga 'yung kailangan. 

Kaso ang hindi ko gusto... 'yung parang nawawalan na lang ako ng gana bigla.

I do contact my mom every now and then, but as days pass, mas lalong lumalala 'yung pagka-homesick ko. Isang buwan na rin naman since nagsimula 'yung klase, pero pakiramdam ko nahihirapan pa rin akong mag-adjust. Sabi naman ni mama, 'wag ko masyadong pilitin, kasi kahit ano namang maging outcome nitong pag-aaral ko as long as nakakapasa, okay lang naman daw sa kanila. Ang kaso, kapag kasi dala-dala mo na 'yung pagiging grade conscious ever since grade school, ang hirap na lang din tanggalin sa sistema.

Parang kinakain ka nang paulit-ulit; bubulong sa'yo kapag pakiramdam mo naman mas kaya mong higitan 'yung naging outcome kung hindi ka lang nadaig ng sarili mong isipan.

Nakakatakot kapag nando'n ako sa phase na 'yun... kasi pakiramdam ko lagi ko na lang kalaban 'yung sarili ko, hanggang sa mag-breakdown na lang ako.

I've been considering visiting Dr. Pidlaoan, kaso lagi naman kaming tambak kaya nawawala rin sa isip ko. Ang dami kong iniisip... minsan pakiramdam ko okay lang naman kasi sa sobrang busy ko, nakakalimutan ko 'yung mga bagay-bagay na nagpapabigat sa pakiramdam ko. I'd hear people say I'm so obsessed with studying, when in fact nakakapagod ding nakaharap lang ako sa libro at computer ko magdamag, pero what can I do? It's the only thing that can keep me sane, ironically. 

Kasi when I don't do anything--the intrusive thoughts barge in like uninvited guests. Whenever I lay down trying to sleep, that's when I dwell in the thoughts--was I ever enough? Huh. Is it a nice day to leave today and never be seen again?

And the thoughts never end... they just... never end. 

I've learned to live with the thoughts already as they've always been a part of me. Struggling became normal and doubting myself has become food for breakfast every time I wake up. 

It's just a never ending struggle for me.

"Ayaw mo ba talaga?" I was getting a little annoyed with Toby's remarks. I never wanted to do anything student council and all that stuff--I was never the student leader type. I do want to get out of my comfort zone, but handling a lot of people wasn't an easy job that I can just gobble up and swallow when I get tired. I know how demanding it is, and I know I'm not just cut for it.

I sighed and looked at Toby, "I don't like leadership and stuff... sorry, Toby," I say, politely. Sinabi ko rin kasi sa kanila noon na ayaw ko ng student council, pero okay lang naman if groupings lang. Kaya ko pa. Basta maliit lang ang handle, within stress threshold lang naman 'yun. Pero if buong college? That's too much work already. 

Alam ko naman 'yung capability ko, and if I just do something impulsively na out of my will naman talaga in the first place, I might just end up mishandling it.