at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

thirty one

Weeks passed by in a hurdle, yet just when I thought that I was going to feel a little okay—I found myself at my worst, na halos hindi ko na rin namalayang December na pala at malapit na rin kaming mag-finals. I did feel better when I finally let out the secrets that I have been trying to bury and keep within myself... pero habang patagal nang patagal, pakiramdam ko mas lalo lang lumalala 'yung kondisyon ko. But it wasn't because my friends weren't helping me to cope—they've always been the most genuine people I've met who understood me during my lows and were there to keep me sane during my highs. 

But I wasn't just dealing with trying to hide my decision.

Even when I had people to share my condition with, or talk to whenever I felt like I couldn't go on anymore... I still had my demons within me.

They never left.

They're still there, lurking around and sticking to me like some sort of barnacle that I can't remove.

Para akong nakaramdam ng laya kahit saglit kasi nabuksan ko na 'yung pinto, pero ang sumalubong lang sa'kin ay panibagong pintong hindi ko alam kung pa'no takasan. 

Para kasing walang katapusan.

Hindi ko kayang kumawala. 

Because the more I try to resist the more it becomes suffocating. 

Pakiramdam ko tuloy para na'kong ticking time bomb na sasabog na lang bigla.

Kanina pa'ko pagulong-gulong sa kama pero hindi pa rin ako makatulog. Inaantok ako pero kahit ano'ng pikit ko sa mga mata ko, hindi pa rin ako makatulog. Para na'kong tanga na hikab nang hikab kaya bumangon na lang ako para magtimpla ng gatas bago lumabas ng apartment para tignan saglit 'yung mga halaman ko. 

Kahit pa paano naman, nakakalma ako kapag nakikita ko 'yung mga halaman ko sa apartment. Hindi na rin kasi ako pumupunta sa dorm madalas... minsan na lang, kapag tinatamad ako o kapag ginagabi kami ng klase at masakit na 'yung paa ko. 

Napangiti ako no'ng makita kong buhay pa naman sila kahit pa paano.

"Hey." Nagulat ako nang makita ko si Aliyah na nasa railings. "Hindi ka rin makatulog?"

Napangiti ako at inangat 'yung mug ng warm milk ko, "Ikaw rin?"

Aliyah shrugged, "Inaantok pero need mag-review," natatawa niyang sabi. "Nagpapahinga lang ng mata."

Napatango ako.

"How's the bullying case going on?"

Tipid akong ngumiti at napasandal sa railings habang iniinom 'yung gatas ko. Saglit akong napatihimik bago tumingin sa kaniya, "Recommended na raw sila for expulsion..." sambit ko kahit may reservations. Hindi ko naman kasi ginustong umabot sa ganitong point... na may ma-e-expel dahil sa'kin. Kaso third notice na pala kasi nila 'to kaya no'ng iniakyat nila Aliyah 'yung reklamo, hindi na sila kinausap pa nang matagal, recommended for expulsion na agad. No'ng kinausap sila ni Aliyah, hindi raw nila in-expect na siya mismo 'yung kakausap sa dean namin kasi hindi naman siya MedTech, tsaka ang iniisip nila magagalit siya sa'kin.

Kung hindi ko lang siguro nakausap si Aliyah noon, baka 'yun na rin ang inisip ko. 

Aliyah smiled and nodded, "I'm sorry if this has to happen to you," she uttered, looking at me. "You know I'm not much of a saint as others think, I'd lie if I say that it didn't hurt when I heard about the rumors. Not because I still like him as I used to back then, but because he's always been one of the genuine people I've met."

"But Telly, Olly and I, we're not together anymore since last year. I know people would probably protest against the idea since parang four months pa lang no'ng nalaman nilang break kami... but here's our version of the truth. The real one. We thought sticking with each other and not telling anyone of the breakup would heal past wounds and eventually pull us back together... and yet again, we can't really dictate the future. Now I'm finally happy with someone else, and who knows about you and him, 'di ba?"