The First Time (Phan)

Chapter 17 - How Can Someone Be a Devil and an Angel?

Chapter 17

21st October 2009 

Phil's POV 

The heart wants what the heart want is a phrase that's thrown around. 

To be perfectly honest I don't one hundred percent understand what it means. In the literal sense it has none; a lump of muscle in your respiratory system can't want anything. It's only desperation is that of the blood that pumps around your body; that being what keeps you alive is only a mere bonus. The idea that a muscle could simply one day decide to give up its addiction and you're gone. Dead. That's pretty terrifying I guess. But then again there is a sort of rock and roll awesomeness about it. That one day it's just gonna happen and we just need to accept it without any evidence as to why it does it. I guess it's that that encourages us to live life to the fullest. 

Yet that doesn't matter does it. Your life is only a mere amount of time between when the chemicals in you body decide to react and when the reaction ends. In the grand scheme of things, you're just a reaction of another billion more that are happening inside you. However, we humans choose that in this time period we should do those things that allow our emotions and personality to explode in forms of pure light happiness that's it's as bright as the stars on a clear night. (I'm pretty sure that didn't make sense but I'm sure you understand what I mean...); we ignore the idea of being on borrowed time and choose to live the life that makes us happy. 

I think this is what brings us back to 'the heart want's what the heart wants'. The human emotions are more powerful than the body. I mean, the fact we cry when we're sad is scientifically and biologically impossible. The tear ducts are only made to lubricate the eyes when they're dry; there's no link to the fact that if the reaction in our body to make us feel sad does so, that tears should be formed. Yet emotions take over us in need of release and our body become out of control. Those days were your so overjoyed to the point that you don't know what to do with yourself so you just end out crying with happiness. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Overall the human emotions and personalities will always beat those scientific reasonings behind why we do things. We simply accept them and embrace them. 

That where my idea of the phrase comes into play. The heart isn't necessarily the heart itself. It's the thought of caring and love that is connected with your heart that is in need of wanting something. Yet it's not wanting, it's explosions.

 An emotion is too strong to be contained in a human body, it has to escape at some point or else it'll simply explode. The human body is a cage that contains it. However once a victim has peeked through the bars trapping it, the idea of escape is all the motivation needed to actually come up with a plan. It's the same thing. A desire of caring is always there in your emotions, yet they hibernate away. However as soon as they see that one person, the person that causes you to stop in your tracks, makes you hands sweat with nerves, makes your heart pump at double the pace, makes you see stars. Once the emotion has laid eyes on it's true desire, that is all it needs to motivate it to explode. The idea of being with this person is the only way to tame the beast that is set free from it's cage. Yet we as humans have to learn to control this animal instinct or else we'll be faced with either a) a lifetime of embarrassment for doing something stupid or b) a lifetime in prison for doing something stupid. 

To be perfectly honest, the saying confuses the fuck out of me. I know what I want, I know what my emotions want and I guess in that sense I know what my heart wants. But I know I can't have it. Not yet anyway. Time isn't on my side I guess. I mean it is time that allows us to live our lives but I guess its not always perfect. Life isn't perfect, but we just have to deal with that.