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˜"*°•.˜"*°• chapter 25 •°*"˜.•°*"˜

【ｄａｙ　５０】

y/n pov

School is a bitch.

Your mind was blank the whole day. You couldn't think even if you tried. It was just pure emptiness. You felt void of any emotions. You felt numb... just like you did the first time you cut yourself. You pulled out your phone and set an alarm for 8:00 p.m. This has been a daily routine ever since the day you got back from the hospital visit for Kei. 8 o'clock. The first cut. 8:02. The second cut. 8:05. The third cut. Three cuts every day. No more. No less. You can't have too many or people will start to notice something, but three is just enough to satisfy you. You haven't seen Kei since the hospital visit either. You wonder what he's been up to, what he thinks of you. He probably thinks you're a coward, a fake.

Why did he ever like you? Why did you ever like him? You aren't good enough for him. You never have been and you never will be. That kiss probably meant nothing to him.

You don't even know why you try at this point. There's nothing left to live for. Today's the day, you thought.

You had been planning for a while, a little after the hospital incident. You started having dreams about where it would happen, what it looked like, who could see, what time it was. Every little detail was written in a journal. You even wrote down what you would have for breakfast that morning. Eggs, bacon, and toast. Your favorite.

You've had that meal every day.

Next was the dream about what time you would do it. Every night you picture yourself walking on clouds like you're floating through the heavens. Pinks, oranges, and yellows paint the sky with their bright hues as you stare into an abyss of hypnotizing color, your eyes filled with tears and a smile on your face. Then you fall and suddenly there's only a concrete sidewalk in your view.

You sneak onto the roof of your house to see the sunset every evening.

After that started coming the dreams of where. This dream took a while for it to be consistent with the location. First it was from a mountain in the middle of nowhere. Then it was from the top of Tokyo Tower. Then it was the roof of the school. Then the school again. And again. And again.

You peer over the edge of the school every day before you leave to see if it's tall enough to do the job. It is.

The most recent dreams have been the worst. You wake up sweating and crying in the middle of the night then can't go back to sleep because you were so terrified that he had to watch you fall. But every night, without fail, there he is. Standing on the concrete sidewalk, the only thing in your view, outside the school with pinks, oranges, and yellows painting the sky. 

Then you're panting and shaking in your cold bed. Every night.

You feel he's the only reason that you haven't done it already, or he could be the only reason that you are doing it. The lines are too blurred for you to tell the difference between good and evil.

The bell. Finally time to leave this dreaded place. Sunset is at 7:04 tonight. You need to make sure that you are at the school by then. And make sure that Kei doesn't figure out what you're up to.

Time passes quickly and you put on your best clothes. Might as well go out in style, am I right? Dad is passed out on the couch as per usual, so you make it out of the house okay. Every step was drowned out by the sound of your heart thumping in your ears. Each car that drove by was so quiet you'd think you were deaf. And then you were at the school. The big clock outside of the brick framework. 7:02. Perfect timing. You had left the back door open before you left so you could let yourself in. You climbed the stairs to the roof and timidly opened the metal door. It was the perfect temperature outside. Not too hot, not too cold, not a cloud in the sky.

You make your way to the edge staring at your shoes, thinking back to your eggs, bacon, and toast you had this morning. It was probably the best it had ever tasted. You look up to see the pinks, oranges, and yellows painting the sky. You step up to the ledge, closing your eyes, picturing the solid concrete sidewalk that would end it all. Everything is as it should be.

But it feels like something is missing. What could it be?

"Y/n? What the hell are you doing up there?"

And then it felt complete.

LMAOOO i haven't posted in so long and this chapter is short but if you read this then thank you for your patience and i hope to write the next chapter soon!! <3