The Rules to Redemption

Chapter 43: Stars are Fire

I am not responsible for any therapy needed after this chapter.
Although you're welcome to join Milo and Marcello in a session.

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I can't die right now...I haven't done drugs yet.
I watched as the shadows of light dissipated from the room letting me know that the sun had set and it was the last time that I'd experience it. I didn't even like the sun so why the fuck was I so upset?
Now that they seem so important, all I could do was think about 'my lasts': the last time I smiled, the last person I hugged, the last time I threw a baseball bat at Milo. All these meaningful things built up in my heart weighing me lower than I already was.

I guess when you have all the time in the world to think, you'll eventually go crazy. I was waiting for that, to go crazy. If I were crazy I assume dying wouldn't hurt so much, I'd have all the irrational thoughts clouding me, I wouldn't even have the time to contemplate death.

I buried my head in my hands, rubbing my eyes until they burned thinking about how I looked so stupid just sitting there, waiting to die. It crushed my ego knowing that he'd won, he had me where he wanted and I couldn't back away anymore. I couldn't bring myself to look back into the cupboard, I didn't want to know how much time I had left because then I'd be counting down the seconds until I exploded into ash and obviously I don't want to go out like that.
I closed my eyes finally letting the emotion seep through. Damien was right, this was stupid and now I wouldn't be able to tell him how right he was. Fuck, I can't do this. I can't go crazy thinking about what makes me feel alive when I'm about to fucking die.

I've been living on everyone else's terms and now, he's choosing how I die. It's almost as if I never really belonged to myself. I'd like to think that I always had the control but did I? Everyone has been pushing the buttons that determine my life, I just want the fucking control. I can't die on Slavi's terms. He doesn't get to determine how I go out.
I lived for everyone, I breathed for them, I owe it to myself to at least die for me.
This world has taken everything and if I can only get one more thing out of this fuckery that we call life then it'll be my death. I'll die on my own terms.

It didn't take much self convincing, I didn't have much to live for nowadays anyway and I...well I wasn't sad, not at all. In some ways, I loved my life and I wanted to live, now more than anything though I have the chance to end things my way, why wouldn't I take it? My pain meds from when I got injured were still in my jacket pocket. There were only 7 left but seven is enough.

I poured them into my hand, shaking as the empty bottle clashed with the floor. Pushing my back more against the wall and tilting my head back slightly to meet the concrete, I sucked in my last clean breath of air closing my eyes to feel my last teardrop stain my cheek.
It'll be over soon and I'll smile because I won.
He didn't beat me. This world didn't beat me, I'll be in the darkness again and the darkness reminded me of the only person worth living for.

What would I say to him? I'm so glad he can't see me right now, he didn't need to see how weak I'd be. He didn't need to see me give in to the world that I promised we'd fight together.
This feels like betrayal but there's nothing else.
"I love you Damien, most ardently." I whisper into the empty room staring at my hand, the capsules buried in my palm as it shook with eagerness.

I smiled until my cheeks burned and brought my hand to my mouth, swallowing the first pill, I felt it go down my throat and burn into my stomach.
The second one was harder, my body didn't want it but my heart did, more than ever. The tears were gone, I couldn't cry anymore.
As the third one was about to enter the barrier of my lips, I was shaken out of my state by loud crashes and bangs from outside these walls.
Oh for fuck sake, their ruining my moment.
"HEY ASSHOLES!" I yell. "Can you shut the fuck up, I'm trying to Kill myself." I roll my eyes. People are rude.