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When does a man feel truly alive?
Is it when he dilly dallies in a butterfly field where the green hills are decorated with beautiful and colourful flowers? Is it when he feels jolly gagging as if he's flying carelessly above the clouds? Is it when he has done numerous charity and showcasing compassion to his fellow man?
Or... is it when he's on the brink of death gasping for air to breathe with his visions blurry, lips dry, head aching, and his body flaccid? Is it when he's an inch away from a car accident that would lead to his inevitable death? Is it at the moment when he carries himself on top of a cliff and trip himself from there... moments away from falling down into the ground looking above the place where he had been and tumble painfully below the ground?
My religious brothers back when I was still young taught me that a man is alive when he breathes air as what had God given us -- the breath of life. It's what keeps us alive. Upon the moment of your death, you breathe your last breath and this force goes back to him for he was the one who had given it to us.
They had also taught me that a man is truly happy when he is serving God... reading his words silently day and night, walking on his path, earnestly praying to him in an undertone.
This, I had believed. I did so according to their teachings and to my surprise: they were not lying. I did feel happy. I felt alive during the days of my childhood when I was serving God.
But this happiness, I have abandoned it in the face of God when I have prayed unto him years before and he had not listened. I carefully told him what I wanted and he didn't listen. He did not give. He is the giver... but he did not give.
During my times of solitude, away from the outside excursions, not a single moment did I feel alive or dead. I felt as if I was in between living and dying. Life has become a prison I could not escape... and with many entertainments I have distracted myself with, countless futile studies, and erotic pleasures . . . I neither felt alive nor dead. I was simply... simply human. Like a vessel in the middle of the seas without its canvass open floating aimlessly towards nowhere.
And then I went back to look at the latter. Back to when I knew the end was coming... "Thine Kingdom will come" but for the Kingdom to come, "all of these must happen first, in the name of God through Jesus our Lord and Saviour." The end of all system of things replaced by a heavenly kingdom and a heavenly ruler. I have asked myself "when?" "No one knows but the Almighty himself. Not even the angels, not even the Son."
I have thought to myself that everyone is faithful towards something so superficial and almost unbelievable that they have fooled themselves into thinking that if they believed enough... they will be saved. And they still do.
I look around the world and many are suffering. Many are crying from pain, from hunger, from disappointment. "All of these must happen first." "The Great Tribulation shall come before Our Lord and Saviour descend from the heavenly kingdom of his Father." Does that mean that the passionate God I once served with all of my heart and being wants all of his creations to suffer first from this world that his enemy Satan had created? How many more prayers does he want to hear from the people that suffers? How many more wars should be fought in the deserts? How many more humans should die a painful death before they see the light of the kingdom? How many more children will starve? How many more words will be spoken against him before he silences all of his foes? How many?
...how many?
When will it end? How much more time will he let Satan rule on this planet before he takes it back?
. . . just then I've realized. I've realized that all of those whom are spiritual have failed to call upon the name of God. He wouldn't listen to them. All of their efforts to call upon him are futile, fruitless, and in vain. Why? Because there isn't any. There is no God. He doesn't exist. They have fooled themselves into believing that a God exists... and he will ascend those who are loyal to him. God is the biggest lie that these people have believed.
And no matter how many tears you cry . . . how many prayers you address to him . . . and no matter how much you believe in him... he doesn't exist. And even if he did, he doesn't care. All that he wants is his ego proven right -- that the Devil is wrong and that the Almighty is right. And for that to be proven, we must suffer a painful world first maneuvered by his enemy. Quite ironic. If only he has rid of the Devil and those who doubted him in the first place, all of these wouldn't have happened. Some Almighty God he is. What a fiction.
Although, I must say that you shouldn't let my words get into you. You may attack me for offending your God . . . but all that you could do is pray unto him that he banish me in the Hell for me to rot in the plumes of lava and dead souls as punishment. I do say that you should! I encourage you to do so! That is the rightful thing to do, isn't it? After all, between you and me, you are retarded for talking to someone who doesn't even answer back. He is nowhere to be found.
