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Tasteless and uncreative.
That's what I call people who take advantage of all the conveniences we have in life. They are such soulless creatures lacking uniqueness that they are not different from each other, almost to a scary extent. We lack the suffering that most people live through each day and go through every millisecond of their lifetime. Has technology paralyzed most of humanity for the worse? Has life been too comfortable for us that each day we lose the meaning behind the words "suffering" and "pain"?
Some things I've thought about on a rainy night with a cigarette in my mouth and a measly amount of caffeine placed in front of me. I've been tardy the previous months of my life that I've felt unmotivated to write down my thoughts and emotions. Maybe life has gotten too comfortable for me that I've forgotten, or worse—neglected, to ponder over the suffering that I see around me. And not even the suffering of others I ignore but even my own and the closest ones around me.
I have only realized that I've been mentally incapacitated to do anything productive other than the dreadful schedule I follow to pass the remaining months of my college when I've been stab to heart tonight by people I consider dear to my heart. Or maybe, they don't mean it at all. And if they do, they might do so halfheartedly. I fear for my future self, however you are doing, that you shall only be motivated to write when you feel pain... when hell shouts and yells echoing in the abyss of your heart.
Although, it is not such a bad thing to be neglectful of the common good from time to time. I am talking about your own common good. Your health, the food you eat, the liqueur you drink, the cigarette you smoke to cope with dubious amounts of sadness and depression. Luckily, you have a loving girl with you who's foolish enough to stay and be such a devotee of your eternal mediocrity. My, oh my, when have you become such a slob? She used to admire you for so many things and now... she only sees a cough of your former self. Or no, maybe you've turned into a completely different person and she happened to fall in love with a different you. No? Yet, she rebukes your shortcomings and instantaneous vices. You don't live a vicious life, no. You only live your own. You've even forgotten that you were once in love with an exact version of you. The relationship was too perfect that it really wasn't meant for the world to be. Do you even wonder how they're doing sometimes? Do they even wonder how you are as well?
I seem to struggle retracing my thoughts even of the past since I am very good and confidently excellent with that. Even with what happened just a second earlier I seem to instantly forget. Has my mind deteriorated to that of a rat's? Or worse, a buffon? Who knows? Only I do.
What I can only say about the breeze fighting my face at this moment is it's doing a really bad job of taking my mind away from the empty sorrow, a sorrow to which I don't know where it's coming from, of my mind and of everything in me. Maybe it has come back to haunt me and remind me that I am an imperfect person... that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much sweat I break and how much bleed I let out, I will never achieve perfection in life. Even if I really don't want to, my unconscious will does. We are not driven by what's in front of us but rather we are pushed by what's behind our backs. It is so crazy to think this way because it basically suggests that all of us are mindless creatures... and that we are all controlled by an uncontrollable force. Like a leaf on a raging river.
I lay down on my bed as I retire my thoughts into music that I adore.
