I remain an idiot so that the people around me can be intelligent.

Memento Mori

Today, I am once again reminded of my mortality.

I sense my body faltering, succumbing to the relentless and slow inducing pain. Merely engaging in the most mundane tasks leaves my legs trembling, my head spinning, and my lungs ensnared by a suffocating veil of phlegm, while my bloodstream plays host to bacterial invaders known only to the valiant white blood cells striving to combat them. Although, I harbor little faith in their efficiency, thus turning to the frail promises of modern medicine, which, even with ample rest, offers scant relief for my afflictions.

Perhaps this is divine retribution for the transgressions I have committed against God. If so, I humbly accept my fate as just punishment, Oh Lord. Should it be Your will to end my existence, I am unworthy to cling to this fragile thread of life any longer.

To whom should I address these words? To my devoted parents, who tirelessly care for me but worry excessively? To my estranged friends, whose friendship of ours seem to have forgotten about us? Or to my coworkers, who cause me nothing but torment?

Should I pen these words for my own sake, languishing in this abode seemingly brimming with joy yet concealing the shadows of despair within its walls? Or perhaps I should write them for you-once the subject of my deepest affection, now a distant figure eclipsed by the relentless march of time and the disillusionment that accompanies it. In this world, where fleeting moments of happiness are but brief respites from the overwhelming tide of suffering, the act of writing itself becomes a futile gesture, a mere echo of the hollow yearnings that permeate our existence.

How long does it take to get rid of the memory of someone who resides so steadfastly within your heart? For you, my beloved, have not relinquished your dominion over the sanctuary I crafted, where you once reigned supreme. The very essence that bound us has forsaken our union and in its wake I have bid farewell to you departing from the memories of our shared past.

Will God decree such profound depths of suffering for my mortal soul? I find myself engulfed in a sea of misery, from the very core of my being to the slightest sensation in my fingertips. My thoughts are clouded, my emotions obscured by the onslaught of despair. Each piece of news that reaches me seems crafted from the harshest elements of fate, mercilessly tearing at my heart and leaving it shattered and bruised beyond repair.

Despite my decision to release you, hoping you'd find solace in another's embrace, I am haunted by a lingering sense of discontent. I ought to rejoice in your newfound happiness, yet instead, I find myself ensnared by torment. Though I sought to free you from the chains of our shared past, I am now burdened by the weight of remorse for the abruptness of my departure.

I must ingest this bitter reality and confront the undeniable truth that your affection for me has waned, much like the day I departed. I have conveyed to you a sense of abandonment, as if my love for you has evaporated. The wish of living in a cozy home somewhere in a faraway island-far from where we live, having three kids and a happy life; I've forsaken the dreams we built together, exhibiting no repentance for the harm I've inflicted upon you.

Apologies now hold no weight, for it is too late to amend the fractures I've caused. All I can muster is a wish for your contentment and a life filled with joy. I lack the fortitude to even acquaint myself with the identity of the man who now brings you happiness, let alone to cross paths with him. Perhaps one day, I will summon the strength to liberate you entirely from my heart, my mind, and my soul. After all, this is what I wanted. I told you to "go out there, be free, and find happiness." You have accomplished this feat with unwavering resolve, swiftly and without hesitation.

As for me, the job that I have, and the unfortunate set of events that led me to my losing of love, affection, and a chance for a happy life is gone. I harbored a fervent hope that she would remain by my side, yet she opted to align herself with another and disregarded my presence entirely.

Tonight, I yearn to drift into slumber with a semblance of tranquility, holding onto the fragile hope that perhaps tomorrow, happiness will grace my existence. Yet, what is happiness but a fluke? Why relentlessly pursue it when one could simply surrender to the pervasive misery that defines life?

The gentle laughter of children offers a fleeting solace. I am fortunate to reside within a dwelling suffused with affection. The lively conversations, the savory aroma of dinner, and the warmth of companionship freely offered-they are all blessings I often take for granted.