I remain an idiot so that the people around me can be intelligent.

People only love you when you're dead

"Estote misericordes."

Compassion is the basis of morality. Quite a disconnect from the title of this boring passage (if you could ever call this one) that I am trying to write. However, I request of you to remember these words as it will be very impotant later in constructing this profound thought that I've had the past few days of my boring miserable life.

It is such an irony to be enthusiastic of Schopenhauer's teaching yet could barely follow any of it.

While it is important to agree with a person's idea in order to become a devout follower of them, actions will always speak louder than words. And for that, I would like to ask Arthur for forgiveness and I would like to express my sincerest apology for failing him.

One of the core teachings Schopenhauer has is the removal of suffering in order for someone to become happpy. I quote the man himself: "what is generally called happiness is actually and essentialy only ever negative and absolutely never positive." The first time I've read these words I was very confused since I could not understand. Today, I still couldn't. Maybe I am not such a worthy apprentice after all.

According to Schopenhauer, happiness is the absence of suffering. "The most general surveys shows that the foes of human happiness are pain and boredom." These two contributes mostly to a person's unhappy living. These are the enemies of living a happy life.

Ever since I have been taught of these teachings, I've been relieved from the pain of thought that a human's goal in life is to be happy and prosperous. If you do not aim for happiness in life, what is, then, the purpose of your life? However, Arthur has made it clear that happiness is not the goal of life but rather... a life with less suffering is much better than a life with the greatest of joys.

And, so I did. I have attempted my best to cure myself of boredom and that is very much successful. Everyone has their own practice on getting rid of boredom in life. I have essentially followed what most humans do in life in order to stay away from boredom... and that is the possession of material belongings. Live a materialistic life. Not in harmony with Arthur's teachings... but enough to battle boredom.

This pain, however, is very difficult to fight let alone get rid of in our lives. When pain is gone, it will always find its way to come back to our lives. Pain comes in many forms. There is pain in our body when we are hit with sickness or have been through a horrible accident. There is pain in losing someone... like losing our loved ones, our closest friends, a family. And, there is pain in not knowing our purpose in life... which is why I consider nihilists and atheists the embodiment of pain. They are by no means not our enemy... but they are an enemy of themselves.

...I believe the most painful suffering one could ever go through is not knowing what is causing them pain at all.

Even if someone has everything they need in their life: a complete and happy family, a decent home, a stable job, a good income, there will always come a moment when they sit down in solitude and find themselves that even in completeness and prosperity in the basic needs of life, they remain unhappy... like there is always something missing and incomplete in their life. Then, they would turn to nihilism. And nihilism turn into depression. Maybe this is what I have been going through the past few days of my life? Maybe not. I still believe I have a purpose in life... and that humanity is sure to go somewhere in, if not near, far future.

This lack of motivation to do anything at all is what prevents me from ever being truly happy. Maybe it is laziness. Maybe it is a disease of complacency. I couldn't even write properly anymore without ever being in my most depressive state. I could only write nowadays when I feel I am on the verge of crying or dying.

I have been tracking my happiness lately. Happiness that I have felt from the past. Memories from when I was a child and events during my high school life. I have relieved many of these as much as possible. This only gave me the thought of... "if I could only find happiness from the past and could not find happiness at the present let alone make a reason and find a reason to be happy, what is the point of looking forward to a future that might never come? Will the future ever come?"

I have retraced myself in the teachings of Schopenhauer and I remembered that compassion is the basis of morality. So, I tried to be compassionate to myself. Not that I forgive myself of the sins I have committed... but to feel pity on myself because no one else feels more pitiful at me than myself. I feel like a lot of people around my circle of friends, colleagues, and relatives could not read me properly. I always look like a closed book embroidered with chains and locks all over no matter how open I try to be and my pages bright as day. Or maybe, that is simply how I think others see me and not actually how they perceive me as a person.

If no one is to be compassionate, then everyone lacks morality in their lives.

Everyone is evil.

That is really not far from being true. The thought of every person being an evil person and without compassion is not such a wild and offensive thought when you look at our world in an honest and unbiased manner. Everyone is driven by greed. People are motivated by anger. The young ones are lovers of themselves--narcissistic beings. We praise money like a god--promoting capitalistic practices. The strong ones exploit the weak. There is unfairness and little justice.

People only show they care for someone when they are already dead... laying cold and peaceful on a casket of white wood carved with intricate woodwork. It baffles me that a funeral is more expensive than a family outing. Do we put more love and care on someone who is already dead than on someone who is still breathing? Why do we only call people from our town to gather, talk, have coffee, gamble, and sing loud songs when a person is already dead? Can we not commit ourselves to doing these acts of happiness when someone is still alive and healthy? Why are the sons and daughters of a dead person only ever motivated to gather and spend a huge amount of money on their parent who is already dead? Couldn't they have done that when their parent was still alive? Couldn't they have made their parent feel loved when it was still alive? I call bullshit on funerals. It is a scam. A tradition taught by the capitalist Americans when they've spread their semen and culture in our country. It offends me as a human being... this practice of evil tradition taught by men of greed and selfishness from foreign lands.

Anne Frank is right. Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude. I don't count regret as an emotion resulted by compassion. If regret is one thing, it is any thing but compassion.

Nonetheless, we do it anyway. How else are people going to feel compassionate towards me by being not alive? By being dead? Maybe, I should just kill myself so I get all the love and compassion that a person gets when they are already unconscious.

People only love you when you're dead. But what does it matter when you can't hear their cries, see their tears, and feel their pain when you've already slept to death?

Death is not such a beautiful thing... but I would like to think otherwise. The end of one thing is the beginning of another. Although, I doubt something good would come after me when my existence is rid off of this world.

I doubt there ever will.