I remain an idiot so that the people around me can be intelligent.

Dear Jane

When I first wrote the words that started this entire saga of a monologue, I decided that I shall never include you in between the pages of this work for I knew that all of the content would be of my deepest frustrations and darkest hatred for things. You were never one. You never will be. You are my happiness, the light in my shadowy world, and the beacon of hope in this pessimistic life I've succumbed in. However, the situation we are in now has deemed it important that I must write the following paragraphs to address my thoughts, my truest of thoughts, and my honest of emotions.

Our relationship has bloomed into a beautiful ornament. A living breathing plant in a pot kept so well, watered, well lighted, nourished, and taken care of very carefully. It is up to us whether or not we should let this plant bloom and bear fruits and flowers... or let it wilt, die, and decompose in its own soil never to be brought back to life again.

The past few months that I have been with you, I have ran out of motivation and energy to keep myself alive positively. I don't know when it all started but I believe this has been brought about the nationwide lockdown... when we all were locked into our own cages of despair and sympathy without a single thing we can do to help the others. Maybe staying inside my room every single day for two years has changed the way I looked at life and how I looked at our relationship. Maybe I looked at the worse things and made light of all of it ignoring the neglectful behavior and bitter attitude I have been showing you.

I will not deny this. I have been a very bad lover. So bad that I started taking you for granted. And for what reason did I do this? Maybe it was out of the unhesitant submission you gave to me or the assurance that you will never find someone like me again. These thoughts have come to haunt me back now that you are showing these words, these assumptions that I have, to be false. A bitter outcome of my mediocrity as a partner and of my complacency. I have become lazy not just with things that I do to keep myself alive but I have also been loafing around and haven't been doing my responsibilities to keep this plant alive.

And I do more things to keep worsening the situation. All of my free time on useless and meaningless recreational activities (if you could call it that). My weekends turned into a self-gratifying day instead of nights catching up with you on what happened over the weekend, what music have you been listening to lately, the most random of thought that pop out of our heads, and sending photos of each other. Maybe it was because I kept telling myself "two years of late night chatting with her everyday is enough; has she not had enough of me?" Maybe you haven't. I think not. You always crave for my presence. When I am there, I always take advantage of you to boost my ego and quickly relieve myself off of my pelvic urges.

I have not been happy lately. I do not want to tell you this because you might blame yourself for that. I think I am a strong man who can handle unhappiness everyday of my life. I do things to forget momentarily the unhappiness that I suffer from and the sadness I bring with me everyday. You have become one of those things to make me forget, even just for a night, that I am unhappy. And now that we haven't been dealing with each other properly the last few weeks, I am always reminded of this unhappiness, this sadness, that I have. Every moment and every second it bothers me. Now, I crave for your presence... but you seem to be stubborn. Ironic, isn't it?

It dawned on me that I cannot control all of your actions forever the night you started refusing the things I tell you to do. And for a better reason, of course. I have all the things to keep me entertained. You provided me with all of these but they never seem to be enough for me. I have become greedy and I have been accustomed to making you my plaything, my slave, my doll, my girl. Maybe you've grown weary of me and have had enough of my bullshit that you decided not to entertain me anymore when I wanted to.

As we begin to be occupied with better things in life, what with college and whatnot, we have lesser time to torment each other every night and every day of our existence. Maybe it's for the better. Maybe it is a God-given blessing intended for us not to harm each other anymore. The question is... will we be distancing ourselves from each other in order to not harm ourselves more or will we keep this charade of tragedy and comedy to entertain ourselves and have our thoughts lost in mindless dwelling and nonchalant talking? After all, given enough time, when two person are attached to one another so closely and separated, they will find a way to get back together again... like a creature missing its pair desperately looking for it no matter what the cost.

I ask not for an apology but for understanding the meaning of these words. However, come as it may, I am always prepared for the next thing that is to happen after you read these words.

You may take all of these with a grain of salt. Besides, what are words but only scribbles in an artistic manner? It is actions that matter the most. Don't you think?

It is not an apology letter... nor is it a break up letter, for God's sake, no. What you read above is what I truly think.

I always tell you to never tell someone what you really think. I have betrayed my own words tonight. Do as I say, not as I do.