WHEN THE SEA IS ROUGH (ill hearts 2)

15

Eunbi

There were trials, and trials brought me enough hope to keep going. It had been a week since the no-winner argument that fed us enough guilt for a year, and we broke the silence. Whenever we could, we talked – about more or less meaningful things, but never about career, Jiah or sponsorships. No one said it, but we knew it was a touchy subject at that point so we just kept it away. And that was the first mistake.

Besides talking, we started eating breakfasts together, and after three days even dinners. There was heaviness that could only be dissolved with an honest conversation, but neither of us was willing to start it. That was the second mistake.

And my favorite, Jungkook picking up my calls. A sense of relief almost made me faint when I called him four days earlier and heard 'Hello? Bee?' on the other side of the phone. I was smiling before I got to the point of the conversation, and when it was over, I couldn't do anything for ten minutes.

That Sunday my hope peaked. Jungkook came home at noon and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. This end of July was cooler, and the ability to stroll down the street without sweat pinning my clothes to my skin made walking one of my favorite summer activities. Considering this summer wasn't the happiest I'd had, and I was a walking corpse for the most part, I took the opportunity for a walk with Jungkook without a second thought.

As soon as we left the house, he held my hand. It was my physical intimacy deprivation that made me pause, just to focus on nothing but the feeling of his skin against mine.

"Alright?" Jungkook asked, bringing his concerned look behind him. A giggle left my lips before I told him that everything was amazing. He smiled, and gently pulled me closer to him.

There was no particular destination for that walk, or at least I didn't know about it. We walked wherever, enjoying the fact that we were together more than the walk itself. I kept taking as much joy as possible, but as we strolled down the streets, I couldn't let go of the shadow dragging behind us. The shadow of everything that happened so far, things we never truly resolved, but I ignored it. I couldn't afford more suffering, not then.

"I've been thinking about something," I said.

"About what, darling?"

"You know that it's summer... but we haven't been to the beach at all?"

Because I loved sea as much as I always did, for the previous five years we'd been regular visitors of the beach in Busan, and many more around the world. I never had to ask, it was always Jungkook asking if I wanted to go, or not even asking but buying plane tickets.

I missed it, but not only for the sake of the sea. I could see the sea myself. I missed everything that came with the sea travels. He loved me in many ways, quiet and loud. He loved me with words and actions. I knew he loved me when he came home and kissed me before saying 'hi'. And I knew he loved me when he thought about me along the idea of taking me to my favorite place in the world. I missed it.

"Then we are packing and going to the beach." He smiled, glancing at me for a moment.

"Can we go like... today? Tomorrow?" I asked, preparing myself for rejection. Out of habit.

Well... they say you get what you prepare yourself for.

Jungkook hummed. "You know... there is a banquet... I wanted to attend," he mumbled, scratching his neck, but it seemed like he gave himself an immediate mental slap. "But we will go to the beach, don't worry. I promise. Just... in two days, okay? Oh! Wait! You can attend it with me tomorrow. It's a 1+1."

When I said I wanted to spend more time with Jungkook, that wasn't really what I meant. Fancy, lavish parties weren't made for me, and so agreeing to it didn't come so easy to me. I wanted our time, like we always used to spend time when things were alright.