Without Her

chapter 20 - forgive me?

Tessa's POV:

He continues sobbing in my back and I hold his hands, trying to get them off me but his grip is too tight.

"Leave me" I whisper and fight his hands but they're too strong, not moving an inch from my stomach.

"I- I'm s- I don't know what I s-said why I said it" he cries, his tears running down my skin as he buries his face further into my neck. He never cries like this, only twice or thrice in so many years I've watched him sob. And watching him like this now is heartbreaking.

"Let go" I grunt and finally remove his hands from me, not turning towards him.

"I can not tell you how sorry I am" he continues, his crying still hasn't subsided. "Just listen to me baby" he whispers, holding me again. I don't fight him this time and stay in his grip, letting out a sigh. "I don't know what I was thinking saying those things. You know I didn't mean it, I- I cannot believe I said that to you or behaved like that with you. Yes I am mad at you but everything aside, I had no- no fucking right to act like that. I know you can't forgive me Tess, even I can't forgive me for saying that. I- I don't know what to do you know- my biggest fear is losing you and I would rather die than watching you leave me like that. I am so so scared of it, you will never know how much I've been suffering from the inside. And this pregnancy thing, it's just- it all came as a shock to me. I don't want you to suffer more, I cannot see you like that. I promise you I did not mean what I said, even though I'm intoxicated with alcohol, I didn't mean it, I swear on my whole life" he catches up with his breath and continues.

"I want this baby with you more than anything, but I also don't. I don't want us to go through all that Tess. I am literally so fucking happy that we're gonna be parents but I am terrified of just thinking what's going to happen in the future. After this baby, I know you're going to give your heart and soul in becoming the best mother to it and you will forget about me. You will give all your attention to the baby, because obviously they need it, and that's not how I wanted to spend these last few years with you. With your disease, if anything goes wrong in the process, I know you won't be able to live with that guilt. I am sorry for today, I have realized that being angry about it now is just worthless. We cannot change the fact that you are pregnant and we cannot go back from it now. I love you more than anything and that is exactly why I am so worried about everything. Please, can you forgive me?"

I don't open my eyes, acting asleep because I don't want to talk to him, not right now. I sense him shift up to look at me and he wipes my tears off, tucking my hair behind my ear, and places a gentle kiss on my cheek.

next morning

I wake up with a pounding headache, I was crying almost the whole night and because of that my head is killing me right now. I don't even feel like getting up from the bed, I am drained. This is so not how I wanted the new year to start but here we are.

Hardin is stuck by my side, snuggling with me like nothing ever happened. I turn from my side to my back and rest both my hands on my stomach. His arm still heavy around my chest. I remove it, not so gently, and he quickly opens his eyes.

I look away from his bloodshot eyes and go back to stare up at the ceiling. He clicks his tongue, clearly knowing that I'm still mad.

"Are you okay?" he asks in his husky morning voice.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I whisper, still not looking at him.

"I mean-" he sighs, "Do you have morning sickness or something?"

"Not yet" I reply and he nods.

"I-" he takes a deep breath to say something but decides against it. "My head is killing me" he groans and shifts closer to me.