Without Her

chapter 36 - without her

Denial.

In the first stage of grievance, I can only think I've ceased.

Everything around me was slowly coming back to life as I was partially able to breathe.

The sharp ringing noise in my ears had slowly started to fade away.

The lost voice in the back of my throat had slowly started making its way back to me.

I was slowly getting my senses back.

"Hardin"

There was the voice that kept ringing in my ears-- the only voice I didn't want to hear. The voice I wish would stop coming back to me-- her voice

Even being numb, my quivering hands began to cover my ears as her voice kept calling out for me again and again.

"You'll be fine" She had said to me, very confidently as her breath shuddered.

I wish she had known better. Liar.

"You're fine" her soft voice mumbled a cold whisper in my ear as if she is really here, but she isn't.

"Shut up!" I fought back with her voice as my eyes pinch shut-- wanting her to be gone but all I can see is her face, all I can feel is her scent, all I can hear is her.

Fucking liar, Tessa Young.

My hands clasp to my ears, and my frenzied nerves throb inside my body.

My exhausted eyes blankly stare at the floor in front of me as the one scene replays inside my head again and again-- locking me into a terrible spiral I wish I could get myself out of.

"Hardin!"

the memory of her screams making the pit in my stomach deeper as I feel the acid bile rise up my throat, ready to be retched out.

Everything makes me feel sick.

Opening my eyes-- I know I will never see her again. Closing my eyes-- I see her vulnerable self, seeking my help and certainty when I could do nothing to help her.

It's all fucked up.

Everything is fucked up.

What went wrong? I constantly ask myself that-- since it was only a few days ago when she was smiling at me, wholeheartedly enjoying her ice cream, and now... it's all turned into bloody fucking memory.

She is only a memory.

This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to be here, with me, right now. She was supposed to be holding my hand, kissing my lips, and giving me reassurance that she has got time.

I just want this to stop-- the constant reminder that a part of me has left me, alone. The continued fucking reminder that I won't be able to touch her, feel her, listen to her, talk to her, again.

It's not fair.

Why me? Why her? Why us?

She could have been strong. She could have fought for me, for our daughter.

Our daughter.

The thought of her just enters my mind, which was already consumed by the emptiness of losing her mother. 

She just lost her mother. 

Where is she? Is she safe?

Trying to put my thoughts together, I realize I haven't seen her once.

She was being handed to me, and at the same time, Tessa's news was being delivered. Which is why I reckon I couldn't see her. I went numb on the spot, my brain had frozen and my body had given up, and I was technically in the same condition my wife was.