𝒮𝓉𝒶𝓇𝑔𝒶𝓏𝒾𝓃𝑔 (Stargazing)

𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝟧

"Hey, why did you not come to work today? I'm worried about you."

I stared at the text for a long moment, trying to think of how to respond to Abby. I knew she still thought of me as a friend, but what do I say here? It was half past ten, the darkness of the night comforting me as I prepared for my first day at my new job the next morning.

Quietly, I tapped the keys on my phone, responding to her text.

"I just... I couldn't come in today."

Resting the phone on my nightstand, I rolled over to try and fall asleep. Immediately after that though, the vibrating of it erupted the quietness of the night. Turning over, I grabbed the phone and opened it to see what caused the disturbance.

"Oh okay, but you and I were supposed to see each other today. Why did you leave me out to dry?"

Was there even a way around this question? Guilt started to feed on my soul as I thought hard on what I should respond with. Every tap of the key felt like stones slamming against my phone, the weight of pressure corrupting me.

"I didn't mean to, it's just that I'm going through a lot right now you know?"

There was a long pause between our messages, anxiousness starting to consume me as I anticipated her response.

"I think we should talk about something."

"About?"

I paused, my heart stopping at the text. There was a long moment in which there was silence, no bubble to show her texting or anything. Suddenly, her response came, my mind racing with what to say to her.

"Kevin, I know that you're... well, you're into me and I know you enjoy being around me, but I hate to say that I don't feel the same. I'm really sorry..."

Seeing her admit it to me was heart wrenching, a certain sense of depression building up in me as I reread the text repeatedly.

"If you never liked me, why did you go out with me?"

Immediately upon sending the message, I felt bad about the way it sounded. The rude aura from the text discomforted me all the while I waited, anticipating whatever it was she would say. Seconds turned to minutes as I silently waited for her response. The weight of my eye lids started to increase as I began losing touch with the world, before suddenly feeling a vibration against my chest. I quickly opened my phone, starting to read the text as I lay there.

"I guess now is the time for complete honesty... I feel bad because I didn't ever like you in that way, but I still went out with you because I knew I would get something out of it. Free lunch, food, something to wear or look at, anything really.

I know you care about me, and I hate that I did that. I'm sorry, Kevin..."

How many heartbeats did I skip? How long did I lie there, thinking about all the times she went out with me just to get something. The salty liquid began forming around my eyes as I quietly typed out a small message.

"But I love you..."

"I know but I'm not meant for you."

What was this emotion I felt? It wasn't necessarily sadness, but rather a strange grief that twisted and molded with a mix of rage. Why would she think to do that? Why would she do such a thing?

"Then why did you use me?!?!"

"Who said I used you??"

What? She just said that she did! The tapping of my fingers got harder as I let more of my unsettling emotions take control of my actions.

"You just said you only went out with me to get stuff from me. You were spending My money because You were being selfish!"

"But it wasn't like that!"

Our responses were quicker than before, every text being sent back and forth in short spurts of rapid movement. Every word flowed from my mind onto the message board as we argued, our hearts becoming increasingly severed with every character.

"I don't understand. I cared so much about you yet all you did was use me for the money I worked my ass off for!"

"You act like it's only difficult for you to hear."

"Thats because you can't grasp how it must feel to know the person you loved just used you for their selfish desires!"

I paused, trying to calm myself down before I did something drastic. I didn't want to let out too many of my emotions. Her response popped up, my eyes starting to let go of the river that I did my best to conceal.

"You don't know what love is Kevin, you're sixteen! You have a life ahead of you filled with enjoyable moments just like I do! You shouldn't hold my actions over me just because you 'loved' me."

How... how does one describe this moment? As I stared at the message, it was as though the world around me stopped. Everything that I had worked for had disappeared before my eyes, the darkness of my room reminding me of that fact. I was alone in this empty void of depression and broken heartedness.

Quietly, my fingers tapped the small, digital keyboard before my eyes. My mind was empty, the words being pressed onto the screen being from the depths of my heart.

"Abi, I do know what love is. Love is the emotions I felt for you, how I missed you when you left your shifts before mine. The feelings I had when we went out together and did the things we did. I knew I loved you because no matter what had happened, you were still the first thing to pop into my mind during the day. You are the one who doesn't know what love is because if you did, you wouldn't have used me."

Silently, I left the chat and proceeded towards my contacts, where I promptly blocked her. I sighed as I returned to the message board, deleting Abigail and I's direct message room. There was a long pause, the only thing going on during this long pause being the tears that never once stopped during our exchange. Was this how things would've always ended?

"What do I do?" I muttered to myself, laying my head against my pillow as I lowered the phone onto my stomach. Glancing towards my clock, I noticed the time was roughly eleven. I needed to go to sleep but how could I? How was I going to get through tonight?

Closing my eyes, I let the memories of her and I flow through my head together, knowing that her greed and deception would taint those beautiful images. Trying the best I could, I let the exhaustion of the day seep into my mind. But no matter how much attention I gave it, there was nothing I could do to escape the weight of this grief.