Love, Cancer & Me ✓ [Original]

Chapter Seven

Dear Diary

September 19th 2012

I avoided Nathan as much as I could at school yesterday I didn't want him to fall in love with me and I didn't want to fall in love with him, everything would be harder if I did. I feared I was already in love with him, I knew I was one to fall hard and fast. I didn't want to hurt him if I couldn't fight this. I wanted to fight for him but I didn't know if I could, I didn't know if I was strong enough. I always thought I was done fighting and if it came back I wasn't going to go through treatment. I'm going to have to start fighting today, it's my first day of chemo and I hardly got any sleep last night because I feared being sick again. I didn't want Nathan to see me sick and helpless and that is exactly how the chemo makes me.

I put the blanket over my head trying to block out the sun that was coming in the window. I didn't want to get up, I wanted to go back to sleep and pretend this all wasn't happening. Going back in that hospital room with cords attached to me would make everything so much more real. Although the knocking on the door made it impossible to do so. "Darcy do you want me to come today? Mom is taking her first shift off but I don't have to go to school." I knew he wanted to come, Matt always wanted to be there for me but I wanted him to do some things for himself. He was scared something bad would happen when he wasn't there. But I wanted him to go to school and graduate this year like he was planning to before all this happened.

"No you go to school. I'll be fine Matty. I'll call you at lunch." I said and threw the blankets off me so I could get up. I stretched my arms over my head and looked in the mirror. I looked pale and there were dark circles under my eyes, for some reason I felt I was already starting to look sick. I didn't get changed I just put on a warm hoodie and went downstairs. I felt like I was shaking from nervousness. I went through treatment a million times but it never got any easier. I folded and unfolded the cuff on my sleeve nervous and anxious.

Mom came down the stairs holding her purse. I started to get even more anxious and I felt my heart race in my chest. I was always nervous no matter what, and I couldn't get over that feeling, I didn't know how to, or if it was even possible. I laid down on the couch and started up at the ceiling, it made me think of when Nathan and I laid out on the grass. I even stopped thinking about my cancer for a while when I was thinking about Nathan but then my Mom came into view and she brought back all the worry.

"Alright sweetheart lets go." She grabbed the keys and I walked to the car. "You know I am sorry for what happened at the grill." I nodded and leaned against the inside of the car. Sometimes I thought I would get used to going to the hospital and having cancer but it never seems that way. I go because I have no other choice unless I want to die and some times I even feel like I want to die like I want to stop fighting. Some times I wasn't even scared of death. When we pulled into the parking lot my chest got tight and I suddenly wished Matt were here.

We walked in and I kept my head down, I couldn't look up, I didn't want to see all the other sick kids. I didn't want to start crying, not here, not until I was alone. We walked down halls and turned corners, to get to our destination but I didn't look up I just watched the ground as if it was moving beneath me. I could hear kids in the waiting room and I felt a pang of sympathy, I knew most of them wouldn't make it. It hurt to think that kids that young would die. As I got older it got harder and harder to watch. "Darcy sweetheart they're ready for you, just walk through those doors and you'll see a nurse." I did what I was told and walked nervously through the metal doors. The metal felt cold and when I was through them I crossed my arms. I was holding tears back and blinked a few times to try and make them go away.

I sat in a chair and took off my sweater making the cold air more noticeable before the nurse explained what they were hooking up to me but I wasn't paying attention. I was focusing on the beat my fingers were making when tapping against the chair arm and my heart beating rapidly. She left and I hung my head back so it hit the head rest trying to relax. I hated this so much, just sitting there waiting and thinking. I shifted carefully in the chair and closed my eyes as a tear dropped down my cheek.

I started thinking about Nathan his blue eyes, that were mesmerizing. I focused on him instead of on the chemical that were being put into my body. I started to fall asleep and I started to forget where I was which was something that had never happened before. I imagined Nathan putting his arms around me and his lips touching mine.