Love, Cancer & Me ✓ [Original]

Chapter Twelve

Dear Diary

October 4th, 2012

I woke up feeling dazed and I noticed that Nathan wasn't with me anymore. I looked around and sat up leaning against the back board. I looked down at the pillow and saw that my hair was already starting to fall out. 'God how am I going to get through this?' I asked myself. I had to get through though so I stopped asking it. Nathan walked out of the bathroom and I could still see the steam rising off him. He was only in a towel and I doubted there was anything under it. It made me blush and Nathan noticed.

I pulled the blanket up so it was just under my eyes and then Nathan pulled it away and pecked my lips. "You look cute when you blush." That just made me blush more and I pulled Nathan back in. He climbed over me and kissed me with what seemed like everything inside him.

"Ewe oh my god..." Ethan walked by and covered his eyes. That's when I noticed that the towel that was once around Nathan was on the floor. "Ok I'm just going to... Ya..." Ethan ran down the stairs and Nathan awkwardly put a blanket over him.

"You should put clothes on." I said quietly and Nathan went back pulled on boxers and then a pair of jeans. "Are you going to school today?" I asked wishing he would just say yes because I felt so bad that he was missing so much time because of me. "Nathan?" I murmured when he didn't answer and he sat down on the bed.

"Not unless you are, I just don't think I can be away from you for that long right now." I put my arms around his waist and I knew that I couldn't be away from him either. If this was the last year I get to spend on the face of the earth I want to spend it with Nathan. "I'm going to take you home." Nathan kept me close to him as we went to the front door and I put on a jacket and my shoes. "Sorry about flashing you bro but it's nothing you haven't seen before." Then he turned to me. "I usually like to air dry." I bit my lip to keep from laughing but a small giggle escaped.

"That's a little too much information Nate." I got into the passenger seat in his car and he drove to my house. "Are you coming in or going back home?" I felt like I had to ask him but I already knew his answer. I needed him and he needed me, I knew he was going to come in. When he answered we went up to my bedroom. I knew Matt and Tristan were already gone so there was nothing to worry about. They wouldn't be listening in when I was to show Nathan the list on my wall. "It's under the horse painting." I said and turned away, I didn't want to see his expression when he saw what was on it.

I felt myself raise higher on the bed so I knew Nathan sat down beside me. "You really want to do all that stuff?" He asked but I couldn't find it in me to answer. "I'll help if you want me to." I laid my hand on his cheek and ran my finger across his jaw. "I do love you Darcy and I know it seems like it was fast, I guess it might of been, but truth is I've been in love with you since that first kiss." We just stared into each others eyes and then I leaned against him. "I'll make you breakfast and then we can go out and do something fun if you're feeling OK." I smiled at him and then he got up but I took his hand.

"Kiss me first." I told him and his lips pressed up against mine right away but he didn't let it go any further then kissing. I knew he was scared that if he pushed too hard I would pass out again but I just wanted him to act like everything was normal unless I was really sick. "Nate, you don't have to be careful around me." I said and he took my hands and covered them with his.

"Yes I do Darc... I just don't want to hurt you and if I did I'd never forgive myself. I already regret the other night." That hurt, he regret being with me, and somehow deep down I knew he did but I kept telling myself it wasn't true. Him saying it just made it true. I felt like I was just going to cry. "Darcy that came out wrong."

"No it didn't that's exactly what you meant." I pushed him away and locked him out of my room, not wanting to listen to what he had to say because nothing that he would say would make me feel better. I wanted to die, and for the first time I meant it, I really meant it. "Darcy come on." He sounded frustrated with himself. "That wasn't what I meant. I don't regret that, I regret leaving you, it's my fault you ended up in the hospital, it's my fault you have to go through radiation so soon and I feel so bad, so guilty." I hated him beating himself up. So I got up and pushed what he said behind me.

"Nathan?" My voice was barely a whisper and I wiped my tears away and opened the door. He was sitting next to it up against the wall and sat down next to him and rubbed his back. "It's not your fault. The more times you have cancer the harder it is to recognize and the harder it is to get rid of, you know that. Deep down you know that it isn't your fault."

"It doesn't feel that way." He lifted his head and I saw that he was crying. I hated seeing him cry maybe even more then I hate when he beats himself up inside for something that he didn't do.

"That day I was exhausted, I hadn't slept the night before and I didn't eat breakfast. That's why I ended up in the hospital, it was my fault if anything, but not yours." I took my sleeve and wiped his cheeks. "Not your fault, mine. Please don't blame yourself." Nathan pulled me onto his lap.

"I'm sorry that it came out the wrong way. I said I'd never hurt you and that's exactly what I ended up doing." We sat there for a while just holding each other but then Nathan broke that silence. "Come on let's get some breakfast, or lunch now that it's eleven." I sat on the counter in the kitchen as Nathan searched the cupboards for something to eat. "OK so we have pasta, pasta and more pasta... Hm..."

"That is because I am the only one who likes pasta in the house." Nathan laughed and took out a pot and filled it with water. "It's weird because Tristan and Matt are more alike then Matt and I." I said thinking out loud, I didn't mind Nathan knowing things, I actually liked him knowing everything. Maybe he didn't feel the same way but that's how I felt about it.

"Lucky for you, I like pasta too." While we waited I turned on the radio and danced around the kitchen. I felt better today but I knew that was only going to last until I went for radiation therapy. "OK so do you like sauce?" He asked and I nodded. Then he handed me a bowl and I sat down on the couch. "I'm not really sure how this is going to taste since I've only ever made pasta once and that was when I was fourteen."