Love, Cancer & Me ✓ [Original]

Chapter Thirty

Dear Diary

February 16th, 2013

Nathan Flynn

I watched Darcy as she lay in my arms, so frail and all I could think about was how she was going to leave me. I loved her with everything I had, even though before all this I thought that wasn't possible. I never thought I could love someone as much as I loved this one girl. I was losing the love of my life. I know guys aren't supposed to cry but it seems like that's all I've been doing lately. Around Darcy I acted strong, but inside I didn't feel so strong.

I placed her head gently down on the pillow, and I was about to get up but a hand on mine stopped me. "Don't go." She sounded weak, and when I looked into her eyes, that glow I had come to know was gone. The time was coming and I held back all of my emotions. Then she tried to get up but her elbows buckled and she fell back on the bed. Somewhere inside I could tell that today was the day but I refused to believe it. It was almost like it wasn't real, she wasn't going to die, this was all a dream and I was going to wake up any second.

"I'll be right back ok?" She nodded and I bent down and kissed her briefly. "I love you." I closed her door behind me and then all my emotions rose to the surface. I couldn't control myself from sinking down against the wall and crying. I had gone for so long keeping everything buried down that once I started crying I just couldn't stop. I was losing her, I could feel it, I could feel her starting to slip away. I hated that feeling.

"Nathan?" Tristan's voice brought me out of my trance. "You ok?" He asked somewhat awkwardly and when I didn't answer he sat down beside me. Tristan sighed and then placed a hand on my shoulder. "I feel the same way." He mumbled and then got back up and went into the spare bedroom.

I pulled myself together but I just couldn't bring myself to go back to see Darcy. I knew I'd fall apart and I couldn't do that in front of her. So I got up and knocked on Matt's door, I felt like I needed to talk to him. No one answered so I just opened the door and walked in. "Hey." He said while lying down on his bed just looking up at the ceiling. I wondered how he was feeling about all this. Was it worse for him then it was for me?

"I-" I thought about not telling him what was on my mind in case I was wrong but then I thought again. "I think.... This is it, she can't get out of bed..." Matt didn't say anything he just looked over at me. I could see that he had been crying, but why wouldn't he cry? He was going to lose his baby sister.

"I just... I want to be alone." Just saying that his voice was breaking, so I took that as my queue to go. "I'll, come in later." When I walked out I heard Matt yell and then he smashed something against his wall. I was just thankful that there was a bathroom between Darcy and Matt's room, she didn't need to hear that. I walked back into Darcy's room knowing I had to go back in and her eyes opened.

"Hi..." I said quietly and knelt down on the carpet so I could look at her. "Want a change of scenery?" Darcy just smiled and nodded so I lifted her up into my arms. She laid her head on my chest and put her arm around my neck. I walked down the stairs carefully and sat us down on the couch.

"You can turn on the TV if you want." She sounded weak, and quiet and then she buried herself into me. "I'm going to miss you Nate, so much. I love you." Her words made me sad and made tears start to spill from my eyes. I just couldn't hold it in and here I thought that I was done crying. "Nathan..." She murmured and used the little energy she had left to hold me. "Shh..."

I held onto her shirt and cried into her. "God I love you, I love you so much and I always will." That's when I pressed my lips against hers, I wanted her so bad, I needed her, I wanted her to stay with me but I knew there was no way that would ever happen. I wished it was me, that I was in her position, there were more people that would miss her then who would ever miss me.

We let go and I just held her again. I wasn't ever going to let go. "Sing to me..." The first song that came to mind was the one I found her singing the day we first met. I learned it after that, every word I memorized, because then I could hear her voice in my head when I closed my eyes. Then I began to sing.

"Come on skinny love, last the year..." I began. "Pour a little salt we were never here." It's almost as if our love never existed, like dust in the wind and it's gone. "Tell my love to wreck it all, cut out all the ropes and let me fall." She wanted me to let her go but I wasn't sure that I could. Darcy just listened contently with her eyes closed and I could see little tear drops at the corner of her eyes. "In the morning I'll be with you, but it'll be a different kind." Darcy will always be with me no matter what and I knew that. "And now all your love is wasted, and who the hell was I?" For me that wasn't true, loving each other, even if it was just for a short moment in time, wasn't a waste at all.

When she didn't open her eyes I could tell she was fast asleep, but I could still feel her heart beating. At least I had her for now.

~ ~ ~

By the time the sun came down Darcy still hadn't woken up, and even though I was tired I wasn't going to go to sleep. I hadn't slept in days, and I didn't feel like sleeping now. I carried Darcy back upstairs. This was it, I could feel, it was time to say goodbye. I set her down on the bed and called Tristan and Matt into the room. Within minutes Reese and Dylan had joined us and her Mom was rushing home from work.

"Hmmm..." I heard come from Darcy's mouth and then I ran over to her side. Matt made his way over also and held her hand. Tristan was sitting in the corner trying to hold himself together, but then he just got up and walked out of the room. "Nate..." She mumbled and I took her hand to tell her I was there. "Under the bed." Darcy could barely speak but I listened and pulled out a bag. There were things wrapped in wrapping paper, and small envelopes with each of our names on them. I put it over to the side and went back to Darcy as her Mom came into the room.

"I love you sis. You don't need to hang on anymore. We're all here. You can let go now." Maybe that's all she needed, Matt's permission to leave and brake the promise she made to him when she was seven. Darcy opened her eyes and held her hand out to me. Then she pulled me on top of her so my head was lying on her chest.

"I love you too Matty, I'll always be with you." It took her a minute before she just closed her eyes again. "I love you Nate." She slipped off her engagement ring and put it in my hand. "Just hold me." She said barely audible and I did. There were tears rushing down my face and then I couldn't hear her heart beating anymore.

"Darcy!" I yelled and sat up lifting her lifeless body. I held her and cried. She was gone, she was really gone and there was nothing I could do about it. "No..." I shook her. "No! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!" I yelled at the ceiling. Then I kissed her... "Please..." I felt myself being pulled back and then I sunk down against her closet door. I sat there crying, not being able to stop, and maybe I didn't want to.

~ ~ ~

Matt and his Mom were both sitting on the couch with coffee in their hands with tear stained faces and watering eyes. Nothing seemed right... Tristan went home for the first time in a long time, maybe he just wanted to be alone. Reese had left a while ago, with Dylan, so it was just us. I got up without saying anything and trailed back into her room. It smelled like her, and when I closed my eyes I could hear his voice.

Now it was a made bed, she wasn't here anymore. I laid down on her bed and held her pillow in my arms. That's when I found it, her diary. I thought about not reading it but I just had to. Maybe if I read it, it would feel as if she was still with me. Even though it had only been hours since she'd gone, it already felt like a lifetime.

I read it over and over, hearing her voice with very sentence. Then I picked up a pencil and began to finish what she had started, I finished writing her life story.