Love, Cancer & Me ✓ [Original]

Chapter Twenty-One

Dear Diary

November 16th, 2012

I rolled over in my bed and watched as the sun came in the window making me squint. I knew what that meant I hadn't slept. I tossed and turned all night waiting for sleep to come but it never did. Six days had passed since I kissed Tristan and six days since Nathan last spoke to me. I don't really even remember what happened that night, and I've came to the conclusion that I am never drinking again.

I could blame what happened on the alcohol but that would be wrong because I knew what I was doing. I knew kissing him would be wrong yet I still let it happen. I haven't left my room since, not even to go to treatment. I couldn't find a reason to, Matt wasn't here and I lost Nathan, so I had no reason to keep fighting. I wanted to just stay here and wither away into nothing.

Tristan tried to talk to me and get me to come out but I just pulled the covers over my head and ignored every word he said to me. Part of me blamed him; it was him that spun the bottle when it handed on me. The other part of me blames myself; because I was the one who suggested spin the bottle in the first place.

My body felt like it was on fire when I got out of bed, every limb ached, and my head was pounding. Tristan would leave me food on my desk but I hardly ate any of it. I put on a sweater and went into the bathroom. I got a glass of water and I was just about to go back into my room when I looked at myself in the mirror. My face looked slimmer and I could see my cheek bones and my jaw bone. My collar bone was defined and I was paler then ever.

I hated that I did that to myself, but eating seemed impossible. I never felt hungry and without Nathan pushing me to eat, I just didn't eat. With shaking hands I opened the piano but I couldn't find a song to sing. I went downstairs and saw the note on the table and I knew Tristan had already left for school. I looked at my phone for the first time in a while and the amount of missed phone calls and texts were unbelievable.

I stared at the background; it was a picture of me and Nathan kissing. It made me feel sad inside and I did something I probably shouldn't have. I dialled Nathan's number and waited for it to go to voice mail but it didn't, he answered. I almost forgot he didn't have caller ID.

"Hello?" I tried to say something, I wanted to say something but I just couldn't. "Darcy?" He asked and I felt a tear slip down my face from just hearing his voice. I was just about to hang up when he spoke again. "Don't hang up, say something." I opened my mouth waiting for sound to come out.

"Nathan." My voice was barely a whisper, and I knew he could hear the pain and weakness in my voice. I didn't want to know what his response was so I held it down from my ear and pressed end. It's like I broke and I sunk down to the floor crying. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do." I said talking to myself. I got up and walked into the bathroom opening the cupboard. There were rows of pill bottles but that wasn't what I was looking for.

The label said Oxy Contin, it was prescribed by the doctors as pain relief but I never used it. I opened up the bottle to see little blue and white pills and took two. Then a third and a fourth. Then I found something else, sleeping pills and took two. They were already starting to kick in as I walked back to my room. I slumped down on my bed and put the blanket over me, I was glad there was no one home.

My eyes dropped shut and I closed them waiting for sleep to come. I didn't want to think about what Matt would think if he were here, I didn't want to think at all. It only reminded me of everything and I wanted to forget. At that moment I wanted to die, I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. Without Nathan or Matt there would be nothing to live for.