How Could She? (Book 2.0) - INTERSEX

Chapter Four

It's 7:30 pm, and Chelsea texted me that she was just going to stay with her sister tonight. It doesn't bother me because I need time to think. I pace around the condo, contemplating actually going to meet Olivia at the hotel. I sit on the couch and let my head fall into my hands. Don't do it Rayden. There's no excuse for what she did.

After what she did to me, you'd assume that I'd never speak to her again and that's what my heart is telling me to do. My thoughts on the other hand, drift to memories of us as children. It wasn't like Olivia Link was just some high school crush I had. Since the day we were born, we've been paired up because our parents were and still are best friends. We have always been inseparable. The two of us did everything together and because she was a year older than me, she taught me everything she knew.

When I took my first steps, she was there holding my hand. She was the one who encouraged me while I was being potty trained. I was scared that I would fall into the toilet bowl, but she would sit outside the bathroom door and sing some catchy tune her parents taught her to distract me from my fears. Up until the point when she tested into the gifted classes and skipped ahead in school, we were in every class together. And when she didn't want to go to high school without me, she purposefully failed a grade so she could stay back.

She was my first everything. My very first friend, my first kiss, and my first lover. When we were together, we kept numerous secrets from everyone else. There are still some good and awful ones that no one else knows to this day.

Sighing into my hands, I lose myself in the memories of her. My feelings for her are still strong, despite the hatred I possess right now. I get up and look at myself in the mirror. My curly hair falls to my shoulder, and I look at the gray sweats and hoodie I changed into when I got home. I contemplate not going, but eventually, I shrug my shoulders and let my inner demon have her way.

At exactly 8 p.m., I arrive at the hotel and head towards the lobby. As I enter the elevator, I select the 30th floor. A woman and a man slip in with me right before the doors close. She's clutching his bicep, and they're both giggling hysterically. I noticed a bar in the lobby and assumed that's where they came from. When the elevator stops on their floor, I scrunch up my nose at their lovey-doveyness and let out the sigh I'd been holding in. The doors close once more, leaving me by myself. The anticipation of seeing her again sends shivers down my spine. I fix my hair as I peer at myself in the elevator's mirrored wall. As soon as I hear the ding of the door opening, I walk out to find her room. I pause in front of the door for room 3010, unsure if I want to go in.

I take a breath and lift my fist to knock when the door swings open, and I'm met with the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. My eyes travel down the length of her red dress that is wrapped around every curve of her body perfectly. She's the only one I know that can pull off 6-inch stiletto heels.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, "I was going to get some more ice, but I'll just call them later to bring some." She moves over to let me through the door. "I wasn't sure if you were actually going to come." I look at her with a blank expression on my face. "Um, sorry about my attire. I had a meeting after the party." I stand in the middle of the living room, still not answering her. "Rayden, I'm..."

"Don't," I cut her off. "I don't want to hear it Liv. This is bullshit. You, being here is bullshit. You left me." I try my best not to yell or become so irritated, but it's impossible. I'm thinking about so many things at once. "I know we both lost Junie, but then I lost you too. My whole world shattered to pieces, and I lost the 2 people I loved more than anything in this world. I lost her too you know. I lost her before I even got a chance to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I loved her. And on top of that, you just fucking disappeared."

She walks towards me, trying to grab my arm. "No! Five years Olivia!" As my voice grows louder, tears well up in my eyes. "Five years you've been gone. You promised me we would be together. You promised you loved me, but you just.... left."

"I can explain Rayden," she attempts to reason and walks towards me again. She tries to grab my face, and I grab her arm to stop her.

"I don't want to hear it! Fuck this! I don't know why I even bothered coming here. You aren't worth it," I scream, pushing past her and walking to the door. My eyes began to water from all the anger, pain, sadness, but I don't let the tears fall because she doesn't deserve them. I'm stronger than this.

She grabs me and pulls me into her, but I fight to get out of her grasp. I start pounding against her chest to make her let me go, but she takes the hits like they're nothing. She clutches my wrist forcing me to stop, and her grip tightens. I'm strong, but she's just as strong, which piques my curiosity for a second. She was so dainty the last time I saw her and looking at her now, she is quite muscular but still very feminine. Her grip tightens around my wrist. "Let go of me," I spit at her.

"No Rayden, listen to me."

"No! You left me when I needed you most." I continue to struggle against her.

"I know."

"No! You don't know! We had just lost our child Olivia. We... not just you!"

"I know," she whispers as a tear rolls down her cheek thinking about the tragedy we went through, but no one else knew about it.

"Stop saying you know! If you knew, why did you leave! If you knew, why didn't you say goodbye or give me a fucking heads-up! I was 18 and failing in school. I had just lost my daughter and within a few weeks, I lost my girlfriend too." She lowers her head as we both cry harder. "You don't get to cry! You left me, remember? For five years I was wondering where you were and if you were even okay. I had to deal with the grief of losing our baby alone! So, I don't want your tears or your pathetic ass apologies. I want answers."

She holds me tighter and pulls my face towards her, but I still try to pull away. "Ray, stop fighting me," she says. I feel her breath against my lips. So much anger is bubbling in my stomach, and I pull away, but she grabs my neck and yanks me back to look at her with force. "Stop," she whispers as the salty water rolls down her cheeks. Both of her hands find my face. "Hey? Look at me." She rubs my cheek, and it's as if all the anger leaves my body when my eyes meet hers. "I'm sorry Rayden. You have to believe me... I'm so sorry."

She continues rubbing small circles on my cheeks, and I begin to calm down in her arms. "I love you Rayden." My rage grows yet again from her words, and I can't help myself. How can she say she loves me when she just left me hanging for 5 years? "Please forgive me. You have to believe me. I never meant to hurt you."

The pleading of her soft voice ignites flames within me, but I don't want to give in to her. I hate her for leaving, but I can't resist her anymore. I need her. I need to feel what I've been missing for the last five years. She was my everything and I want to believe she doesn't mean anything to me anymore, but I can't. Without thinking I slam my lips against hers, pulling her further into me.