If I Didn't Have You

3

Warnings:
-None

Sapnap's POV

I noticed that right before I wanted to go to school, I started feeling so stressed that I realised I was coming very close to age regressing right now, going to my young self. I really didn't want to regress right now so I quietly sat down while rocking softly.

That was one of the things I really struggled with... I went through a lot of traumatic things in the past which I didn't tell to anyone. My parents didn't talk to me anyway and I didn't have any friends either. I always decided to hide it for everyone, but when I was triggered, too stressed or anything like that, I often age regressed.

When I regressed, I often turned to a way younger me. It varied from one years old to eight years old and sometimes just I was just a few years younger. It depended on the day and I tried to suppress it a lot because I didn't want anyone to know that I regressed. I suppressed it for days now, but I knew I couldn't anymore.

I sat on the couch with my legs crossed, feeling very sad because I wasn't near my safe space. I had a safe space when I regressed. I had a pacifier, a lot of stuffed animals, blankets and way more than that.

'Stuffies...' I whispered with a very sad voice. 'I friends.'

I was so sad that I started crying softly. I tried to climb off the couch, realising I couldn't walk. I could only talk slightly, but very unclearly. It made me think I was around the age of two or three right now.

I let myself fall down on my knees and slowly crawled to the door while I sobbed softly. My parents were gone, my mother was outside with George and my father was at work. I was alone and wanted to be alone, but I couldn't get up the stairs to go to my safe space.

'Stuffies!' I sniffed, hitting my hands on the floor with a very upset face. Tears rolled down which caused me to keep crawling to the door since I really wanted to go to my friends.

I started crawling up the stairs, which took me ten minutes, and crawled to the box under my bed, smiling softly. 'Stuffies!'

I opened the box with some trouble and grabbed my stuffed animals, holding them tightly as I grabbed my pacifier and put it in my mouth with a soft giggle.

I grabbed the toys I bought a while back and laid on my stomach on the floor, looking at the building blocks in front of me. I was very happy when I started building, but I became really frustrated when the tower I built fell down.

I sobbed and sat up slowly, sucking my pacifier as I grabbed another fun thing to play with. I always liked to blow bubbles and pop them in the air. I looked at what bubble was the biggest and kept that one because it won.

I started blowing bubbles while I laughed softly. I felt very happy and safe right now and just really wanted to play with my toys while holding my stuffed animals and my pacifier.

~~~

I kept playing for hours, but I got very tired. I had a pretty high bed so it took me a while to crawl into it. When I finally laid down with all my friends, my pacifier, my snowman and panda blankets, I ended up falling asleep very soon.

~~~

I woke up hours later, feeling like my sixteen year old self again. I lifted myself up slowly and sighed as I grabbed the pacifier, putting it back in my box just as my stuffed animals and my blankets.

With a sad feeling, I stood up up slowly. I felt so happy and safe when I was regressed, even though I didn't want to regress at such times... I just felt anxious, depressed and upset again now I felt sixteen years old again.

I started walking down the stairs as slowly as I could. My parents never came in my room which was useful at the moments since I didn't want them to know that I regressed. I did need a caretaker every now and then, but I really didn't want my parents to be those. They didn't even take care of me when I wasn't regressed.

I sighed again and opened the door that led to the living room. I saw George sitting down in his wheelchair while my mother was cleaning the house, but she didn't even look up when I came downstairs.

'The school called, you have detention,' she told me, pausing for a second. She continued cleaning again, but I didn't want to answer her. She wouldn't care anyway...

George was looking at me with an open mouth, holding his stuffed animals tightly. He started hitting the table thingy attached to his wheelchair out of happiness when he saw me.

I walked up to him and he smiled very brightly, making happy noises. I giggled and started tickling him which made him even happier. He laid his stuffed bunny and his stuffed sheep down to wrap his arms around me.

I smiled and gave him a soft hug. He squealed and let go of me again as he grabbed his stuffed animals, holding them tightly. 'Swapnap!' he mumbled in a very unclear voice. I could just make out his words and kissed his forehead softly.

'That's me!'

He was really content and smiled happily, resting his head on the table from the wheelchair in front of him.

'Are you tired?' I asked as he sat up again. He thought about what I said for a while and then made a sad noise to show me that he was tired. 'I will lay you down in your bed!'

He didn't have a normal bed because we were really scared he'd roll out. He still had a crib that was made specially for him. It was a bit longer than it used to be for babies, but it still was safe so he wouldn't roll out.

I brought him up to bed and laid him down with a soft smile. 'You're going to sleep, okay?'

He made a happy sound and then his smile immediately faded. He closed his eyes and curled up, lifting his thumb to his face. I couldn't stop smiling and laid his stuffed animals down with him, giving him his pacifier.

He was always peaceful like this and I was the exact same when I regressed. Sometimes I wished I was like him which was probably very insensitive and stupid, but I just wanted to stop worrying and be happy again...

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