If I Didn't Have You

13

Warnings:
-Mentions abuse/blackmail/manipulation
-Mentions disordered eating (starvation)
-Mentions drugs/alcohol abuse
-Mentions suicide attempts
-Mentions self harm

Sapnap's POV

Clay and I talked a lot and it was like we knew each other for years now. We laughed together, we made teasing jokes like we made them about a thousand times now and we genuinely had fun. I knew it was maybe strange, but I trusted him more than anyone, except from George, at this point, just knowing him a day...

I looked up at him, debating if I should just immediately tell him my struggles to see if he would leave me or actually help me. It would be the first time I ever talked about something like this, but I trusted him and wanted him to know why I would reply in a certain way.

'Clay?' I whispered as I stared him in his eyes for a few seconds. His lips curled into a small as he gave me a small nod, waiting for me to start talking. 'Can we talk?'

'Of course,' he answered, sitting up. 'What's up?'

'I- I just want to talk about my past and my problems. I trust you and I'd like you to know it beforehand than figure it out, I guess... maybe you don't want me to tell you, so then I won't and yeah...'

He laid his hand down on my shoulder and softly rubbed it with his thumb. 'It's fine, dude. Tell me whatever you want to tell me. Would you like me to hold my arm around your shoulders?'

I nodded slowly and carefully, afraid he would say it was a joke. Instead of laughing, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and scooted closer to me. 'Go ahead.'

I stared at my feet and sighed softly. 'I guess you know about the age regression already, but that was triggered by certain events in the past. Let's just start with my parents, I guess. My brother obviously needs a lot of care, but my parents never talk to me. They don't care about me at all and I feel so incredibly alone all the time.'

Clay nodded slowly and looked at me which made me feel understood. He was actually listening to me without interrupting me or judging.

'Anyway... in the past I had a girlfriend. A secret girlfriend, because I just didn't want anyone to know that. I was like- thirteen? Or maybe fourteen. I don't know... I was ashamed at that time.'

'That's totally fine,' Clay smiled. 'I didn't have a partner, but you don't need to be ashamed of that.'

I nodded slowly and sighed again, carefully resting my head on Clay's shoulder.

'Basically... she was just absolutely crazy. She abused me and uh- manipulated me. Now I look back at it, I don't know how I ever fell for that, but anyway. She told me she would kill herself if I left and she cut herself whenever I did something she didn't like. I loved her... I didn't want her to hurt herself so I stayed.'

Clay pulled me tighter and I lifted my shirt a little bit, showing him the burns on my skin.

'She threw a kettle, with boiling water, at me. I was burnt over my arms, stomach and legs... after a while, she hit me so hard that I fell down and hit my head on the edge of the table. I needed stitches and my jaw was slightly fractured...'

'My goodness... she must have hit really hard.'

'Nah... the fracture jaw came from, I don't remember what it was, a hard object she threw at my face. That day, I broke up with her... my biggest mistake ever.'

Clay sighed softly and looked at me. 'I'm so sorry... what happened?'

'She hit me, got a friend to beat me up. Then she cut herself in front of me and I left the house because she was actually crazy. After I left, I got a call from her parents. Apparently she was in the hospital because she overdosed...'

Clay scoffed. 'What the hell, dude...'

'Yeah, that's already crazy, but the worst part didn't even come. She faked her suicide to get me back.'

'What...' Clay mumbled. 'Oh my goodness, she's a psychopath.'

I nodded. 'I guess the next part... I've never told anyone. Can I trust you?'

He nodded too. 'Of course you can trust me.'

'Okay... well. Right after we broke up, there was this guy I bumped into. He acted really nice and gave me... "candy".'

'Candy?'

'Drugs,' I sighed. 'But I didn't know. He stayed with me until I was high and took me to his place. I wasn't myself at all, but I got addicted. I started taking drugs more and more, I wanted to forgot... I started drinking, smoking, I lost myself. I guess my ex sent him too me and got what she wanted.'

'May I ask if you're still addicted?'

'Yes, I am... I guess it's less extreme than it used to be, but I definitely can't go a week without drugs and alcohol. I smoke a few times a week.'

'I'm here to help you,' he smiled. 'But go on.'

'Well... one time when I was there, he used me. I was in the shower because uh- I threw up all over myself and he secretly took a picture of me. Without clothes... he started blackmailing me. I would have to give him money or he'd spread them. I didn't have money, he beat me up every day and eventually sent them to my ex. She spread them through the school and since that day I barely go anymore.'

'Holy shit...' Clay whispered. 'I'm so sorry.'

'Yeah, well- if that wasn't enough, the police went after me because I skipped too much. I went back, got bullied and then left... I uh- attempted suicide that day and no one ever knew.'

'What...? What did you try to do?'

'I overdosed, but I threw up, passed out and woke up again... my copying mechanism is age regression, addiction, self harm without leaving scars... and I know it's bad, but here we are. I feel like an idiot, I just feel dumb, stupid and so alone...'

'I uh...' Clay started. 'I stopped eating yesterday. I know it seems like I ate dinner, but I stuffed it in my pockets and faked eating... I know this is irrelevant, but you're the only one I trust and you're not alone at all. I struggle a lot too.'

'Why did you stop eating?'

'I just really hoped my stomach aches would stop like that, but now it uh- kind of feels good to have control over something like this so I don't want to start eating anymore...'

I smiled shortly and gave him a tight hug. 'I guess we can be broken together, can't we?'

Clay scoffed and chuckled after that. 'We can also fight together.'

'And we will,' I answered.

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