If I Didn't Have You

8

Warnings:
-Mentions abuse/very toxic relationship
-Mentions usage drugs/alcohol
-Self harm

Sapnap's POV

⚠️ Self harm

I was repeatedly hitting a rubber band on my skin after I froze my wrist for minutes with ice. I never wanted to leave any scars while self harming, but I did anything I could to hurt myself without anyone ever knowing.

I kept slapping the band on my skin, feeling it burn from the pain. My skin was red and slightly swollen the longer and harder I kept doing this.

After I continued for at least half an hour and my skin was so irritated that I couldn't even touch it anymore, I stood up slowly and went outside to go to... well, my dealer.

⚠️ Over

That was one of the things I didn't tell anyone and I wasn't planning on telling anyone either. I had a whole backstory, my life was completely ruined and eventually I got addicted to drugs and alcohol, just because someone acted like they gave me some candy.

Now I looked back at that, I was just being a very dumb guy. Honestly, I had always been stupid and dumb when I was younger. If I wouldn't have been dumb, I wouldn't have been traumatised now.

I realised the memories came back up in my head and I sobbed softly since I really didn't want them to be in my head. Without me realising it, I went back to that time...

⚠️ Guilt tripping/manipulation/threatening with suicide/blackmailing
⚠️ Mentions self harm (wounds)/mentions physical abuse (details)

My girlfriend held my hand and smiled shortly. 'Sapnap, don't take it personal. You know I have mental illnesses, you can't just leave me because I will kill myself.'

I removed my hand from my painful and burning cheek, sitting back with a sigh. 'That's just forcing me...'

'Oh come on, you know I will kill myself! You can't just leave me, I'm already in such a bad mental place right now. You'd just kill me if you would go.'

'You-,' I started, but I knew I was verbally not as strong as she was. She knew exactly how to make someone feel guilty and that was what she had been doing for the past years...

'I cut myself yesterday because you left my house an hour earlier! I missed you so much...' she whined, suddenly showing me a deep cut on her wrist.

I rolled her sleeve down and leaned back. 'But you keep hitting me...'

'That's just because I'm not okay, you know I'd never hurt you if I would be okay, right?'

'I'm doubting that...' I whispered, looking away because I knew that would make her mad.

And yes it did, she jumped up and pushed me back. 'Are you kidding me? You're such a bitch, you never do anything for me! You always make me sad and it's your fault that I cut myself. I will tell everyone that you're an asshole who caused my suicide.'

'I-,' I started, but I realised this wouldn't help me at all. Anything I'd say now, would make her more and more furious till the point she would beat me up again.

She always said: "you're a guy and I'm a girl, you can't be hurt after that."

I never went through this much pain. I often had bruises because of her, a few burns because she even threw a kettle at me... but the physical pain didn't even come close to the mental pain...

I met her a few years ago at school and honestly she had always been weird, but not this weird. We loved each other... or better said, I loved her and she didn't give a shit about me.

I trusted her with all my secrets. I told her everything, all my pain and sadness. Of course she started using that against me. If I would leave her, she'd kill herself and tell everyone what I told her right before that.

I didn't want her to kill herself, I didn't want everyone to know my secrets. I was stuck and didn't know what to do.

After a few months, her true self started showing. Daily screaming when I did anything she didn't like, hitting me, kicking me, pulling my hair out and throwing things at me became an usual thing now.

She started telling me she couldn't stop herself and that it wasn't her fault. She knew she needed help, but wanted to try it on her own. And I... I was so dumb and stupid to believe her for a year.

When she once hit me so hard that I fell down and hit my head on the edge of the table, I started realising that this wasn't just because of a mental illness. She was crazy, she was absolutely crazy and I told her that I wanted to break up with her.

That was the worst thing I could have done. She hit me, got a random friend to beat the shit out of me and then she kept screaming that I would cause her suicide. I tried to calm her down, she cut herself in front of me and I tried to leave as she clung onto me.

She kept screaming and crying that I needed to stay because she was so lonely without me and when I left, she faked her suicide. She took something that made foam come from her mouth and her parents called an ambulance because she held an empty bottle of pills.

I sped to the hospital, just to hear the following words: "I'm sorry to say, but we wanted to pump her stomach, but there aren't any pills found. I'm afraid she faked her overdose."

She was grounded and I went back home, trying to catch my breath. My stupid self still didn't leave her, because what if she did actually commit suicide and blamed me...

I shot up and looked around me, realising I sat on a bench outside. I didn't want to think about these memories anymore and if this was everything, then I would have been able to process it very slowly... but it wasn't. This wasn't even half of what happened to me and that was why my life was such a mess next to my parents who ignored me.

I kept walking to go to my dealer, I needed stuff right now to forgot...

1058 words

Summary:
Sapnap thinks back about his very toxic ex-girlfriend