If I Didn't Have You

24

Warnings:
-Mentions emotional abuse/neglect

Sapnap's POV

I opened the door to my house and looked at my parents who sat down on the couch. They didn't even look at me and stood up, going to George.

'Hi George!' my mother greeted him, grabbing his hands.

George made a soft sound, but he looked at me and lifted his hand up to point at me. 'Swapnap.'

My mother ignored him and turned around which made George very sad. He made a soft sobbing sound and pouted from sadness. 'Mommy...'

I took a deep breath and then walked closer to my parents who ignored me and George too because he only mentioned my name.

'Mom, dad, I'm sick of it,' I started, looking at Clay for security. He nodded and smiled to make sure I knew I was doing the right thing.

My parents didn't look up and I stood even closer to them.

'This is what I mean. What did I ever do wrong that you are always ignoring me? I take care of George all the time, I go to the store myself because you don't buy anything for me. I wash my own clothes, I never get a hug from you or a goodbye when I go to school or anywhere else. WHAT DID I DO WRONG?'

My mother walked to the kitchen to grab herself a drink and my dad read the newspaper, not even looking up.

'WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?' I screamed out.

All my pain seemed to come out now and I started to scream as loudly as I could while my hands began to shake from absolute anger and sadness.

'WHY? I AM A PERSON WITH FEELINGS. I WENT THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT! I HURT MYSELF, I'M A STUPID ADDICT. I WANT TO DIE A LOT OF THE TIME, I GOT BULLIED, I WAS BEATEN UP BY A RANDOM DEALER AND MY EX!'

My dad looked up slowly and my mother sat down, looking at her hands. She was obviously listening to me, but didn't say anything.

George got very scared because I was screaming and he held his hands on his ears, sobbing softly. A tear dropped down his face and Clay walked to him. 'I'm bringing you to your room to play for a little, okay?'

Clay lifted him up from his wheelchair and wiped George's tears away because he was really scared and shocked.

'It's okay, Georgie. Hold your friends and suck your pacifier, okay?' I heard Clay comfort him as he walked off.

'Why?' I asked again once they left. 'What did I do wrong? Why was it ever okay to ignore me forever? Did I murder someone? Did I steal all of your money? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?'

They both looked at me right as a tear dropped down on my shirt.

'WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS HATE ME? I WAS ABUSED, BULLIED, BROKEN AND HURT AND THEN MY OWN PARENTS DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME EITHER? YOU ALWAYS IGNORE ME NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. I LOVE YOU, I JUST LOVE MY PARENTS LIKE A KID DOES AND YOU DON'T CARE AT ALL.'

There was no reply, but my father laid his newspaper down now and stared me into my watery eyes.

'I don't need all the attention, because I know George needs a lot. I just hoped you would talk to me like I'm a normal human or one hug... I miss hugs so much and my ex manipulated me, but I also stayed for a long time because I finally had someone who hugged me. I'm very happy George has been the sweetest brother to me and Clay is the best friend I can wish for, but I really miss parents in my life.'

'I-,' my father mumbled as he stood up. He walked closer to me and I felt more and more tears rolling down my cheeks. I saw Clay walking back into the room and he stood next to me, reaching out to grab my hand.

'Why did you have to ignore me for sixteen years long? My whole life... you always ignored me. I get that George needs attention, but I'm with him way more than you are. Did you actually not have time to give me one hug? Or to greet me one time? Maybe to ask about my day or to sit with me when I was sad?'

I started crying uncontrollably and sniffed so loudly that I had to hitch a breath, almost hyperventilating because I was so upset. 'One hug! That would have been so precious to me. I always wanted to tell my kids about you later and tell them how you raised me. I was so interested in knowing how you've been raised and about your past, but every time I asked anything, you walked away from me like I don't even exist.'

'Come here,' Clay whispered. He pulled me closer and pressed a soft kiss on my cheek. 'It's okay, you need to breathe a little bit slower, alright? Can you put your hand on my chest to feel my breathing rhythm?'

I lifted my shaky and sweaty hands up and pressed it on his shirt. I could feel his chest move up and down and started copying his breathing rhythm to calm down more.

'You're okay, you're doing very good.'

'George...' I whispered.

'George is totally fine. He was crying a little bit, but I played with him and I gave him his favourite food. He fell asleep now and he's happy again. Don't worry, okay? Do you want to stay or come with me?'

'With you,' I sniffed. Tears dropped down my face onto Clay's shirt. He didn't mind and grabbed my hand to pull me with him. I saw him glaring at my parents and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, wiping my tears away before giving me another kiss on my face.

'I love you so much, dude,' he whispered. 'I'm really proud that you told them how you feel now.'

'Thank you...' I sobbed.

We were about to go upstairs together as my father suddenly grabbed my hand. I wanted to pull away as he stood there in silence for a while. He didn't say anything, pulled me away from Clay and then sighed softly.

I was afraid he would get mad at me, but then he did something I'd never even dare to dream about.

He pulled me in for a hug and wrapped his arms really tightly around me. 'I'm sorry, Sapnap. I love you.'

I broke the hug with a shocked face and looked at him. He had tears in his eyes and held my shoulders tightly.

'I'm so sorry.'

'Do you... mean that?' I whispered with a questioning tone in my voice.

'Yes, I do. I came from a family who abused me. I blocked my emotions. Your mother grew up without her parents, she lived in five different foster families. We absolutely had no right to do this to you... and I'm so sorry. I want to sit with you for as long as you want to and talk about everything. What's one of your dreams or your favourite activities?'

I shrugged. 'An amusement park or the zoo.'

'Alright, we are going there as soon as I can get ticket. I hope you can forgive us, I'm so sorry. I should have known better and I'm going to better myself.'

My mother walked in too now and gave me a tight hug too. Tears streamed down her face as she held my hand. 'I didn't want to be reminded of my awful past so I blocked it and... I don't know. It's not a valid reason. I'm so sorry too, I love you. Thank you for existing and being such a great son.'

It didn't take long before I bursted out into tears. Clay held me tightly and smiled. 'It's okay. I love you.'

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