If I Didn't Have You

14

Warnings:
-Disorder eating thoughts

Clay's POV

I left Sapnap's place later that evening. I was really hungry so it was the first time my stomach wasn't hurting because of the allergies, but it was hurting from the hunger this time... I didn't know what I preferred, but I just didn't want so much pain anymore and figured this was the right option.

I never expected starving to be addictive, but now I started, I didn't want to start eating anymore either. I wanted to feel hungry instead of having pain, but I never wanted to start eating a single bite anymore.

I went to bed right after I got home and drank a cup of tea with my parents. I was too tired to stay awake for longer than ten minutes and I fell asleep for the rest of the night.

~~~

It was the weekend so I didn't have to go to school that next day. I got Sapnap's number and texted him to see if he wanted to hang out today. I really trusted him and wanted to help him with all his problems. What people did to him was actually so incredibly shitty and I wanted to make him feel safe around me.

I yawned softly, pushing myself up in my bed. I rubbed my eyes slowly and sighed, feeling very tired and weak. My stomach was still rambling and my head was hurting badly, but I ignored it and reached out to grab my phone.

You
Wanna hang today? I'm bored anyway :)

I saw Sapnap read my message and he started typing.

Sapnap
I'd love to :) my parents are mad at me for not giving George his baby food on time... they screamed at me for a while so I'm just crying in my room. I think I might regress, but I need to take care of George because my parents are going out

You
I'm coming over :) I'll take care of you and George. I like to take care of people, it makes me feel more secure and happy

Sapnap
Thank you :) I'm going to lay my phone away because I'm regressing and I don't want to do stupid shit

You
I'm there in like ten to twenty min :)

I slowly lifted myself up. I didn't feel like showering right now because I was always itchy when I washed myself with soap. Instead, I sprayed some of my axe body spray on my body, which I often had an allergic reaction to as well, and dressed into casual clothes.

While walking down the stairs, I brushed my hair with my hand to make sure it wasn't just stood in every single direction. It was fine when I looked in the small mirror in hall wall so I opened the door to the living room.

'Hi, Clay! Did you sleep well?' my mother, who already sat on the couch, asked me with a soft and sweet smile on her face.

'I did,' I answered. 'You?'

'Same! Where are you going? It looks like you're dressed up for something.'

'I'm going to Sapnap, the boy who was here yesterday. He's regressing again, but his parents aren't at home and his disabled brother needs care, just as he does.'

She nodded. 'That's really sweet of you. Do I need to prepare you some food? I bought gluten free bread! Maybe that helps.'

'That's really kind, but I-,' I started, ready to make up a lie as I realised I was actually really hungry. 'Maybe... one wouldn't matter?'

'Are you okay, sweetheart?'

I shrugged. 'I guess I am... just- sick of the pain.'

'I bought a dairy free chocolate spread for you!' She jumped up and walked to the kitchen with a smile on her face. I sat down for a second while she prepared me a slice of bread with chocolate spread, handing it to me once she was done.

'Thanks, mom,' I smiled as I took a small bite. I loved the taste so much that I immediately took another one. 'I'm heading to Sapnap now, because he needs care.'

'Alright, honey. See you later!'

I waved shortly and finished the whole slice of bread within a few seconds while running to Sapnap's place. I didn't even want to lose weight or anything, but I just didn't want to eat anymore. I had no idea what this behaviour defined as, but I didn't want to know either...

~~~

I opened the door to Sapnap's room and walked into it with a smile on my face. He was sitting on the floor with a box full of toys, stuffed animals, blankets and pacifiers. He was holding a stuffed dinosaur and had a pacifier in his mouth, looking at me.

'Hi, Sappy!' I smiled, kneeling down in front of him. 'Can you walk?'

He sighed softly and hit his arms around with a happy smile. 'Clay!'

'How old are you, little boy?' I asked, tapping his nose with a smile.

'Not know...' he mumbled. 'Two!'

'Okay, I'm going to bring you to George's room so I can take care of such a handsome boy!'

Sapnap nodded slowly and started crawling behind me to George's room. I helped him get up and put him down on the chair in George's room. He sat down happily with his stuffed animals, pacifier and the toy I took with me and then went to George who was still sleeping.

'Gogy!' Sapnap exclaimed. 'Sleep!'

'He's still sleeping, very quiet, okay?' I smiled, shushing him. 'Do you know where George's baby food is? Then I'll prepare that already.'

He seemed to be thinking and then sighed softly. 'Fridge.'

'Okay, you have to be a very big boy and stay on that chair, okay?'

Sapnap nodded heavily and sat in silence as I sped downstairs, putting on two layers of gloves, putting them over my sleeves to make sure the food couldn't touch my skin. I prepared the food and got a new diaper for George already, going back upstairs.

Sapnap didn't move and looked at me with big eyes. 'Clay!'

'You did such a great job! Do you want to sit down on the floor to play?'

He nodded happily and I put him down as George started waking up. I smiled and squealed softly from excitement. I really loved taking care of people, it made me so much happier...

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