If I Didn't Have You

20

Warnings:
-None

Clay's POV

I sat on the side of the pond with George on my lap. Sapnap sat next to me to hold him too so he wouldn't fall in the water because he obviously couldn't swim.

'Uks! Ood, uks!' George was yelled happily. He was very happy and hit his arms around again. He threw some bread around, but he was so excited that he didn't know where to throw it to. It landed on his lap and he giggled softly, making happy sounds.

I was wearing gloves since I was very allergic to gluten too. I picked it up and threw it to the ducks. He started making a "ba" sound repeatedly and giggled softly. 'Uks!'

'The ducks are so happy with your bread!'

He squealed and ripped off another piece of the bread. He threw it again and hopped up and down from happiness. Sapnap and I held him very tightly so he wouldn't fall and he laughed so loudly that he curled himself up in my arms.

'Kway! Uks!' he repeated happily. 'Fwiends!'

'They are very good friends of you. I can see how happy you are now you're around,' Sapnap smiled, ruffling George's hair up.

I pressed a soft kiss on the top of his head and he kept making happy sounds, cheering softly because he had so much fun and loved cuddles.

'Kway! Lowe you!'

'I love you too, Georgie. You really like compliments, don't you? Because you're a very sweet and handsome boy.'

He didn't answer, but smiled very brightly so I decided to keep talking to him.

'Do you know how much I like your brown hair? It's fluffy! You had a beautiful haircut a while back, didn't you?'

He made a very soft and happy sound, closing his eyes while listening to me.

'I also like your eyes, they are very beautiful. You look so sweet when you look at me! Maybe that's just because you're very sweet.'

'Kway, lowe you,' he mumbled quietly, smiling brightly.

I noticed he was trying to say something so I stayed quiet to let him talk.

'You fwiend me!' he exclaimed. He was thinking and looked up at me. 'Apy you me!'

'Do I make you happy?' I asked to make sure I understood him well.

'Es!' he yelled, throwing another piece of bread. 'Uks me apy!'

'Have you ever fed the ducks before? We can go here more often if the ducks make you really happy!' I questioned with a soft smile on my face.

He made a gasp sound and looked up at me with big eyes and a wide open mouth. 'Uks?'

'Do you want to go to the ducks every now and then?' Sapnap added with a questioning tone in his voice.

George started moving his legs happily and curled up in my arms again. We both understood that as a yes and he started making happy sounds again as I looked at Sapnap.

'We can go outside every day?' I suggested. 'With George to the ducks, distraction for us both.'

He nodded heavily. 'That's a good idea,' he answered. 'To be fair, I feel so relaxed and comfortable when I'm outside in the fresh air with you and George, the two people I care the most about. I don't think about hurting myself, drugs or alcohol. I'm just... happy.'

'Same,' I replied, reaching out to grab his hand. He intertwined our fingers and looked at me to wait for me to start talking. 'I guess I just forget all my problems when I outside, taking care of people which is doing what I love...'

'Would you ever consider studying to become a therapist once maybe your allergies and stuff are figured out?'

I nodded slowly. 'Honestly, I'd love to... I just don't know how to do it, you know? It's probably an hour, at least, with the bus. Then I'd have to eat at school and if I get stomach aches or when I have to throw up, I can't just go home... it feels so unsafe.'

'I get that, yeah. I wouldn't know if I would dare to do that either, if I'm honest. You do know what you're allergic to now, so maybe there will be a solution for it.'

I nodded slowly. 'I'll have to go back to the doctor tomorrow, it's another doctor this time. He's going to see what I can do, because I obviously can't live from five different foods. I'd die within months.'

Sapnap sighed softly. 'I once like... read something about a girl whose stomach couldn't handle any food either. They made like something for her which her stomach could deal with and included all the nutrients she needed. It was very gross so she got a tube.'

'I feel bad for wanting that at this point. I don't want pain anymore and I'd get a thousand mental breakdowns if I needed to eat really gross liquid food too.'

'I hope he can do something for you, but I'm sure it will be okay. It can't continue like this so they need to do something.'

He wrapped his arm around me, holding George with his other. George was still making happy noises and looked at us when we turned quiet.

'Kway! Swapnap!' he exclaimed with a happy spark in his eyes.

'He makes me realise that I should enjoy life...' Sapnap started, kissing George's hand after George reached out for his. 'He can't walk, he can barely talk, he will always have to sit in a wheelchair... and he's happier than I am while I can walk and do whatever I want. I should be appreciating those things more because he can't do anything and he's happy and I'm unhappy while I can do whatever...'

He nodded. 'I guess that's true... that doesn't make our problems less valid, but it's true. He's happy with small things and we need to seek big things to enjoy while this could also be the highlight of our week. And that's enough... we don't need much more than this, right?'

'I need friends or family and happiness,' Sapnap sighed. 'And I realised that I'm the one to find happiness by reaching out to the happy things instead for once.'

'Let's start with that today. It's okay if we fail, but we can start now. Together.'

He nodded. 'Together...'

1061 words