If I Didn't Have You

17

Warnings:
-Mentions Sapnap's past

Sapnap's POV

'Alright, we have quite a lot now! Maybe you can eat something of this without getting stomach aches. I hope these things won't hurt or upset your stomach, because I have no idea what you're allergic to.'

He smiled shortly and nodded. 'I have no idea either, but I'm pretty hungry if I'm very honest...'

'Okay, we can prepare this gluten-free sandwich for you. Ham, tomatoes... what else did we buy?'

'Eggs, lettuce. I just hope my stomach can deal with this because I will get a mental breakdown if my stomach starts hurting again. It's already a really big step to start eating very slowly again...'

'It's just for a few days! Then you'll have the test in the hospital and you'll see what you're allergic to,' I answered him with a smile. 'Then after that you can finally see a nutritionist who can help you with what you can and can't eat.'

Clay breathed out slowly. 'I might live without constant pain one day... How are you today?'

I shrugged. 'I mean... I feel okay now. As long as I don't focus on my addictions, it's decent. I'm not going through withdrawal at the moment because I didn't have anything in a long time. I just know I'd not be able to resist if someone offered it to me.'

'And with the other things?' Clay asked with a comforting smile.

I sighed softly. 'I don't really know... I think I feel okay? As long as I don't go to school and seek as much distraction as I can, I feel fine, I guess. I'm just happy when you're with me, you've helped me a lot. I've always been seen as a weirdo who was addicted and... you know, that picture of me without clothes while I was high... they just always bully me with it.'

'Dude, I love you already. You're a great guy and it would be smart if you would go to the police to tell them about your ex-girlfriend and your drug dealer.'

'I really want to quit drinking and all that shit, but I genuinely find it very difficult to quit.'

'Do you have any stuff at home? I know that's difficult to be honest about since it's an addiction and you probably want it, but can you try to be honest to me so I can help you with this as much as I can?'

I looked at my hands and felt my cheeks heat up as I was trying to get the words out of my mouth. I wanted to quit. I needed to quit because I wasn't myself when I was high or drunk.

'I uh... Clay, this is really difficult for me.'

Clay nodded and pointed to a bench. He sat down and lifted George out of his wheelchair. George made happy sounds and hugged Clay tightly. I sat down slowly and looked at George who kept making happy sounds now he was out of his wheelchair.

'Are you so happy, Georgie?' Clay asked, tapping his nose. 'You can sit with me now!'

'Kway!' he exclaimed happily. 'Lowe you!'

'I love you too, Georgie. You're a really sweet boy,' he answered with a smile on his face.

I took a deep breath and then lifted myself up, grabbing Clay's hand when I had the courage to talk. 'There's cocaine and some other pills in my room, under my bed in the other box next to the one with my safe stuff for when I regress.'

Clay was quiet for a little and smiled shortly. He squeezed my hand and pulled me closer. 'I'm so proud of you. I know that must have been very difficult to tell me.'

'It was, but I want to fix my problems from now on. I didn't have anything to do it for except from George because I love him with my whole heart, but there was too much misery at home and I just didn't feel the need to... start recovering.'

'Recovery is difficult, but I'm so sure you can do this, though.' He smiled brightly and rubbed his thumb over the top of my hand. 'It's a process, don't expect it to go well in one second.'

'I don't want to diagnose myself, but I sometimes think I might have uh- maybe I shouldn't even say. I can't diagnose myself...'

'No, what's up? You can tell me, you always need to self diagnose before getting a real diagnosis, but it's wrong if you just go around telling everyone you have something that you think you MIGHT have.'

'I just suspect that I have PTSD,' I mumbled. 'I wake up from nightmares a lot and I have constant memories about my ex and my dealer, the times I got beaten up and such... if I would be able to be more relaxed and not constantly stress about that, my life would be so much better. I will still be bullied and be addicted, but I'll have less reason to do drugs if I don't have flashbacks.'

'I'm not a therapist, but I figure your parents don't care enough to seek help for you. I can ask my mother if she can help you find a therapist and otherwise I can try to help you as much as I can.'

'Do you want to?' I asked, looking him in his deep green eyes.

'My aunt has a past as a therapist and I've always wanted to study psychology to become a therapist,' Clay smiled. 'Ever since I got so "sick", I guess, I stopped feeling interested in doing a study because I can't even go to school normally now. She talked to me for hours about techniques because I was so interested. I know what therapists would do and I can ask her to help.'

A smile filled my face and I squealed from happiness since I didn't feel this much love in years. George made me feel really loved a lot of the time, but I also just wanted to talk to someone every now and then.

George noticed I was happy and looked at me. 'Swapnap! Lowe you...'

I smiled at him and kissed his forehead softly. He opened his arms to show me he wanted a hug and I lifted him on my lap. 'Hewwo!'

'Hi,' I smiled softly, kissing his nose. 'Handsome boy.'

He giggled softly and I stood up slowly. 'We are going back home and then you'll get your favourite food, Georgie!'

He made a happy sound and Clay stood up too, walking back to my house together.

1103 words