𝔸 ℂ𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕤 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝔽𝕝𝕒𝕞𝕖 (ACOTAR FANFIC)

Fifteen

When we are young we dream.

We dream of magic lands, and magic people. We dream of places filled with happiness and adventure. Some are of love and romance, while others dream of escapades and joy. We each have fantasies that sustain our imaginations and minds, even when you can no longer bear the weight of the world, those singular dreams stick by your side to guide you through the twisting paths of life.

As we grow older we pretend as though those dreams don't affect us anymore, as though they were only a means to an end. But in the back of our minds, the dreams stay. They listen and learn while we grow, and change with who we become.

No matter how much we push them away many of our dreams stay, they give us hope when it is unwanted, they give us life when we no longer live, and they give us guidance when we have lost our way.

But I ran. I ran and ran as far away as I could get from my dreams. I made myself into a creature that no longer knew what dreaming was because that is what I was taught to do. I had forgotten what it meant to dream instead of being haunted by nightmares. I chased my dreams away until they disappeared entirely.

I did not mourn the loss of my dreams, they only hurt me in the end. They gave me hope when I could no longer bear it, they gave me life when I no longer wanted to live, they tried to guide me when I had strayed so far away from my path that I could no longer tell if I ever had one in the first place. I hated my own dreams because they forced me to remember what I used to be and reminded me of what I was now.

They reminded me of how I used to dream and I used to hope for impossibilities that would never come, and they reminded me that I no longer knew how to do anything that a truly good person does, and all I was left with was the hole that my dreams had left as they finally fell away from me.

But even now when my dreams have left me I still remember how it felt. I remember when I would venture so far into my imagination it would hurt when I came back. I remember the feeling of floating as I was lost to my fantasies.

I used to dream I would be powerful and happy. That I would be kind, and I would be merciful. I would be adored and loved and never alone.

And I would be good.

But a dream is not reality.

I am not happy. I am not kind and merciful. I am not adored and loved. And I am not good.

I am a monster. I am vengeful. I am cruel. I am hated. I am alone. And I am corrupt.

I tried to be good and I failed.

           I realize now that no one can be wholly good or wholly evil. Even so, I cannot help but look at myself that way. I cherish the part of myself that I remember. The part that used to dream.

It is a memory that has been warped by cruelty and evil, but it is mine and mine alone. And it is all I have left of the girl that dreamt, and so I hide it away in the dark pits of my mind, to never be seen by anyone but me. It is my most prized possession, and I will never let anyone take it from me, because I know that everything I am will be forever lost to the darkness that is only kept at bay by the memory of who I used to be, and the foolish hope that one day I may be her again.

In those memories, I can remember my old dreams. I can see who I wanted to be. Who envied and who I silently hoped I would meet.

I wanted to be a woman of light and storms. A woman of the white fire of stars.

I wanted to be the Lady of White Light. That was my dream.

When I grew older I realized it was foolish to want to be someone who couldn't possibly exist. But I think I always held onto that little shred of a hope that wanted to be her, it had been broken and bloodied and torn, but it had stayed without my knowing.

Because when I realized who I was, the first thing I felt wasn't confusion or surprise. It was a wave of hope and relief. Relief that the last shred of my dream was not wrong. And hope that maybe I would be able to dream again.

And that scared me.

It scared me more than any threat or enemy. Because if I could hope and dream again, and those dreams and hopes were crushed like they were so many times in the past. I would not survive it.

The darkness that shadowed me now would be nothing compared to the flood that would encase me. It would wipe away all that was left of me and turn me into something even the monster I am now wouldn't recognize.

That didn't just scare me. It terrified me.

And when those thoughts clouded my mind, I fell away.

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Lil' bit different today, this chapter was rough. Hope you guys like it, though!