we the cursed, nct dream ✔

part sixty-seven

"And how does that make you feel?"

"How do you think it makes me feel?" Juno retorts, cocking a brow at her therapist. The poor woman has her hands full with her newest patient; Juno does not make her job easy at all.

"I don't know," Julia Ahn replies, ever patient. "I was hoping you would tell me."

Juno sighs, sinking further into the velvet couch. "I know everything is over, but I hate that I still can't sleep at night. I'm permanently looking over my shoulder, for what reason, I have no idea. When I do sleep, the nightmares are terrible. My mind is never at peace." She pauses. "And you know how that makes me feel? Frustrated. Because I should be doing better. But I'm not. Why?"

"That's something I don't know, either," the therapist responds sincerely. "But we can figure it out together. Juno, do you ever wish that the removal of your flair had also taken along with it the imbalance in your brain?"

"Of course I do." Juno's answer is immediate. "All the time. I hate living with this; I hate being like this. I hate feeling good today and hating everything tomorrow. I just don't understand it."

"Maybe you should try." Julia shifts in her chair. "You know, it sounds to me like you've been ignoring your disorder ever since you were made aware of it, or you've been trying to live despite it. Perhaps if you start thinking about how to live with it, it won't plague your mind as much."

"I don't want to live with it," Juno retorts. "I just want to be normal."

"But what choice do you have? If you're bipolar, you're bipolar. You can treat it, but you can't wish it away. It's a part of you now. So what else are you supposed to do? Keep fighting it, and all you'll do is burn yourself out. You're practical, Juno, I know you know I'm right. You just need to be willing to admit that to yourself."

Juno is silent for a few moments. Then she huffs out a little breath. "You're annoying, Jules."

Julia just laughs. "So you agree."

Their relationship migrated from the purely professional zone after just a few sessions. Julia has about ten years on Juno, and she is a straight shooter who says things as they are. Even so, Juno has to admit that she has been very helpful, almost a bit like an older, smarter sister. Who gets paid to talk with her.

"Did you do the thing we talked about last week?"

"I did," Juno replies, biting her lip, pausing. "I was accepted."

"Already? That's great!" Julia exclaims, her smile wide. Then it fades slowly as she takes in Juno's expression. "What's wrong?"

"I know this is something I need to do," Juno begins, haltingly, "but I don't want to do it. I... I don't think I'm ready."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. Just, after the past year, it feels like I've simultaneously matured a lot and also not matured at all." Juno shrugs helplessly. "Growing up is scary."

"It is. But it is also inevitable." Julia cocks her head to the side. "You don't have to do this if you don't think it's best for you. And I won't tell you what to do; that's not my job. All I'm saying is, think about it, talk to your parents, maybe even your friends-"

"They'll hate me."

"They will not, if they're anything like you've described." Julia pauses. "You know better than anyone that courage isn't the absence of fear; it's doing things despite being afraid."

"So what is the courageous thing to do?" Juno asks in a whisper.

"I'm not sure. Sometimes, it's staying. And other times, it's knowing when it's time to go."