Wolfstar oneshots

Shame

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, homophobia and sex.
Work count: 1000

Summary: Sirius struggled with his upbringing and his relationship with Remus. He tries to decide between right and wrong and struggles to control his own thoughts and emotions.

A/N: I normally don't right stuff like this but I wanted to step into Sirius's shoes a little and make a realistic story of his internal struggles with homophobia and the way he used his relationships with woman as a diversion for his true feelings. Warning this may make your wolfstar heart a little sad.

Sirius's POV:

I sat propped up on my bed tangled in the sheets, covered in a thin layer of sweat from my previous activity with the other boy also laying in my bed. The warm air trapped between the curtains of my bed was starting to fade and I pulled up the covers to keep my naked body warm.

I looked beside me to see Moony laying there, peaceful and stunning as ever. I loved every moment I spent with Remus but I couldn't help the shame that came afterwards. I couldn't put a label to what we were doing, not only because I wasn't entirely certain but also because doing that would be terrifying and would make my mind swarm with even more negative thoughts than it already was.

I went to move a stray, curly piece of sandy hair from Remus's face and immediately shunned myself. I couldn't help the way that he made me feel, the way I instantly reacted to him and the love I felt for the boy. He just made it feel so easy even though it was so complicated.

I looked away from him reluctantly and the thoughts I wished I could control but couldn't came to cloud over my mind.

I looked in the mirror and instead of seeing myself I saw my mother. I always felt like she was watching me, like she knew. She could enter my mind and pry away my thoughts to her will so nothing I ever did or thought was ever really my own.

Being with Remus, despite the happiness it brought me, was extremely dangerous. It took all of my might to keep her from discovering what was going on and accepting myself was jut as-if not more-dangerous than sleeping with him.

I thought of my mothers words, her shrill voice yelling profanities and slurs about the rumors of men sleeping with other men. I'd watched as she had shamed my Uncle for saying he was gay and how quickly how terribly he was treated. I remember what my mother had said when we discovered the news.

If he was in this house I would have killed him myself. How dare he make such a fool of our name. It was like he was raised by wolves, has he no shame? Fraternizing with the same sex. What disgrace to the name of man. What a disgrace!

She had been so angry she had taken it out on me an Reg, telling us everything she would do to him if she got the chance. Every gory detail.

After her outburst I had hid in a small corner of the house, listening to her loud, heeled footsteps as she got closer. She had grabbed me by the hair and pointed her wand to my neck. I had cried and struggled to get away.

If you ever disgrace our name in such a way you will not be able to escape so easily as your uncle. Mark my words Sirius Orion Black, if you make a fool of me I will not only kill you myself but make sure you suffer long before I allow you to pass. No one and I mean NO ONE brings such dishonor to our family.

I kept thinking about her words and all the ways my family would punish me for what I was doing. I don't even thing my brother, Reg would look at me the same.

I looked down at my hands to see that they were shaking. I looked back up at the mirror and this time I did see myself in the reflection and all I felt was shame. Why am I like this?

I thought of what James and Peter would say. What they would think? How would James's parents, who in a way I considered my own react if they found out? Would they also never speak to me. Would they also think I was a freak.

I looked back over at Remus and I thought of him. He was just so beautiful. I thought of him sitting in the library on a sunny day, the sun reflecting from his golden skin, making his hair look golden and his eyes look bright like honey. I thought of his lips and kissing them, they were so soft and pink and irresistible. I thought of his body and the scars that covered it. I remembered my hands running over his uneven skin and feeling his muscles contract under my fingers. I would lick and kiss my way up his scars, the ones on his neck and chest, running from his collarbones to his lower abdomen. I loved the way he made me feel and also hated it at the same time. It should be some girl who makes me feel this way, not my best friend. Not a boy.

I got up from the bed with tears in my eyes and pulled on my pants and Remus's sweater without even noticing. It smelt like him and it carried his scent with me as I left our dorm and went into the school's long corridors.

I walked until I finally reached my destination. Emmeline Vance was a girl that I had slept with many times. I knocked on her door and she let me in enthusiastically. She quickly but quietly pulled me into her room and then too her bed before she pulled the curtains shut and said a quick silencing spell.

I tried my hardest to wipe the frown from my face and pretend I was here because I actually wanted to be and not because of the guilt I felt and needing to redeem myself.

She leaned in to kiss me eagerly and then went to remove my jumper. I stopped her quickly in panic, not wanting the smell of Remus to leave me but I stopped myself and pulled the jumper over my head with a deep frown, feeling empty. She didn't seem to notice as she went to kiss me once more and I allowed it. Thinking about nothing but Remus as I slept with another girl among many and still feeling nothing. Nothing except the image of Remus in their place instead.