Bittersweet | Jaspar Fanfic

(3): THE SOCIAL GROUPS ACCORDING TO DAN HOWELL

+ Joe's P.O.V

When I got home, I immediately felt as if I was going to have a breakdown. My chest felt tight, I was trying to hold back tears, and my lungs felt as if they were being squeezed in an iron tight grip.

Not even telling my dad how my day went, and ignoring Zoe trying to come into my room, I darted upstairs and locked myself up. Once I was inside, I sat on the bed and put my bookbag on my lap before pulling out my homework.

I didn't participate at all in class today, and now I had to make it up. Slamming my math homework on my desk, I tried to ignore the jittery feeling that overwhelmed me, and how my eyes were slightly blurry.

I started to feel angry at myself: angry about how I threatened Caspar. Angry over how I was so pathetic I couldn't get any friends. Angry over everything.

But I couldn't deal with that now. I had to do my homework.

As I grabbed my pencil and eraser out of my bookbag, I felt like crying and screaming until my throat and eyes went raw. I felt cold, even if my fan was off and my room was warm. Leaning back in my chair, the eraser and pencil clenched in both my fists, I let out a pathetic sob.

Ever since I was little, I hated to cry. I would get myself worked up over the littlest of things until I couldn't take it anymore, and broke. My dad has told me more than once that I should really cope with it by distracting myself, but I never knew how until I started getting obsessed with trying to be the best student I could be.

I don't know why I'm like this. I'm just this guy who's really sad and doesn't enjoy socializing with other people, and who does things like threaten their Science partner, and who always does his homework and who just doesn't fit in anywhere.

As I looked up at my ceiling, I started to feel horrible for threatening Caspar. He didn't deserve all of that, I just...I don't even know why I said it. Maybe it's because I'm jealous of people like him, and don't want him near me.

He has that stupid naturally good hair, great eyes, funny...but he's also a giant dick - pardon my French - according to some of the things that Zoe has told me.

I mean, she told me about how he always feels good when he has power over others, and how he brags about how he can get anyone to do what he wants, and what would happen if he does that to me? What if he does make me do the project by beating me up, or something? I don't want to get beat up.

But then again, I don't know Caspar personally. I don't know anything about him, so why am I judging him based off of what other people are telling me? That's sort of a dick move for me, honestly.

He could total change himself if I just sit him down and politely ask him to do the best he can for his side of the project, and if he needs any help I could help him myself.

But he did say to me; "Do I have to do a whole lot of work?" So maybe he won't be like that!

I groaned and held my index fingers up to my temples, rubbing them. I have to get my priorities straight.

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After finishing all my homework other than looking up ideas for the Science Project, Zoe called me down for dinner at 7:30.

"Joe, it's time for dinner!" She called from downstairs.

I opened my mouth, filling out my last math equation before answering back, eyes still on my paper and hand still scribbling away. "Y-yeah...okay, I'll b-be there in a minute!" I yelled back.

Not hearing what Zoe replied, I finished the rest of the equation as fast as I could before putting my pencil down and sighing.

The need to cry wasn't there anymore; I managed to calm myself down after taking a couple breathing technique's I had learned from the internet.