Bittersweet | Jaspar Fanfic

(17): FRIEND OR FOE?

- Caspar's P.O.V

I tried my best to feel alive all weekend, but with the feeling of guilt and emptiness gnawing at me - it was sort if hard too. My mother made me play games with her, and my father played footie with me in the backyard, but I didn't want to do anything but sit down on the floor and do nothing. Homework helped, yet didn't help at all.

One minute my whole mind would be completely blank, flying through my Homework at super sonic speed; then all of a sudden I'd be thinking of Joe and wondering how his day was going. I'd feel my hand go limp and just let my pencil sit there, staring a war in my head that I couldn't win.

I ended up not getting a text back from Zoe. She obviously didn't want me to ask any questions about her dad or Joe, and I had to respect that. Even if I wanted to know so bad it was all I thought about.

Emma and I ended up texting back and forth for a while. We spoke of random things and on occasion she would make me laugh and the guilt that was eating me alive would get worse would grow even more powerful, making me feel more disgusted with myself as the days and nights went on.

Knowing that the world didn't revolve around me was weird and I didn't like it. Knowing that I couldn't go back in time to prevent all of this from happening made me mad, and knowing that I didn't have the guts to tell Emma I didn't really like her as a friend made me even more angry.

I wished the world did revolve around me so I wouldn't feel bad the way I did right now. I wished the world did revolve around me so Emma would be totally cool and so would Joe; allowing me to feel happy and not full of guilt and...weirdness.

Sunday night I had another dream about Joe, and this time Emma was in it.

We were sitting in the Library, studying. We were sitting across from each other; him bent over a book and speaking words from it I wasn't listening to because I was too fascinated by how nice his lips looked.

It took a while until he finally stopped, looking up at me with a blush on his face.

"Caspar, are you listening to me?"

I shook my head and his blushed deepened, giving me a small smile. "You know we have to get this done, Casp."

Casp and JoJo, Tyler's voice rang through my head as I slept. What a gorgeous couple.

"I know, JoJo," I replied, taking my hand away from the book which was laid out in front of me and reaching over to him, taking his own hand and putting it in mine softly. "You're just so beautiful it keeps distracting me."

He rolled his eyes and I forced him to intertwine his fingers with mine. "You enjoy saying sweet nothings to me, Caspar. I have to get my homework done."

Joe looked down again, but his blush was still on his face.

"I do enjoy saying sweet everything's to you," I said.

He shook his head and laughed silently. "'Sweet everything's?"

I nodded and squeezed his hand softly. "Yes, because the things I say to you are true and I want them to mean something."

Joe looked up and bit his lip as if trying to stop himself from smiling. "You're a moron."

I leaned forward so we were just inches apart. The table was digging into my lower stomach, but I didn't care about how uncomfortable it was. If Joe knew how much he meant to me, I'd sit on a pile of nails for him.

"I'm your moron," I said.

Then I kissed him softly, and he kissed back. We stayed like that until we heard something drop on the table loudly and Joe and I jumped back, disconnecting from each other.