Bittersweet | Jaspar Fanfic

(18): ANXIETY ATTACK

+ Joe's P.O.V

When Zoe got home from work, it was 11 O'Clock, almost midnight. She entered my room and I was on my computer, Fall Out Boy playing softly from my stereos, and scrolling through my dash on Tumblr.

I really didn't enjoy the people on Tumblr, but I only went on it when I didn't have anything else to do...which was all the time. I could read, but I wasn't in the mood tonight for some reason. I just wanted to play video games and do nothing.

My legs were trapped under my butt, and one arm was propped on its elbow, my hand on my chin. The other was curled around my water bottle, and I was toying around with the wrapping around it every once in a while. Zoe walked in and looked surprised to see me awake.

"Joe, you're up?" She asked as she walked in, keys jingling in her left hand.

I nodded.

"I've been bored all night. Decided I didn't want to see anymore of the reality housewives and went on the internet."

Zoe stood there for a moment, wavering in her spot. She looked as if she wanted to say something, but she was biting her lip as if to refrain herself from doing so.

I looked over at my computer and then back at Zoe, not really knowing what to say.

Will's words were imprinted into my mind, and all I was thinking about from now on was how to get out of my comfort shell.

"I'm sorry...again," Zoe finally said. "I just feel like a terrible sister -"

"You're not a terrible sister," I said, shaking my head. "You're an awesome sister. A terrible sister would have just messed up another body part of mine. You didn't, you like helped...and stuff."

(Really, Joe? Still saying 'and stuff'? Gosh. Widen your vocabulary a little man.)

Zoe shrugged and crossed her arms, eyes watering. I frowned. She can't be bullying herself over this again, can she?

"I just - I don't want to lose you like -" some tears over flowed and spilled down her cheeks. She was refraining herself so her whole face turned red. "Like other people have lost siblings, yanno?"

I got up and crossed over to her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. I was only 2 or 3 inches taller than her, but she still put her head into my chest, responding to the hug by wrapping her arms around my waist and squeezing.

She took a deep breath, but I still felt tears falling onto my shirt and soaking it.

"Don't hassle yourself over me, okay? I'll...I'll be fine..."

The way I said it sounded so empty and sad I literally had to refrain from slapping myself in the head. I wasn't fine. Neither was Zoe. Or my dad. Or my mom - wherever she is. The only person I knew who seemed to be fine was Will, who was teaching me to become fine. I don't think I ever will, though.

"I'm not fine," I ended up saying as I let Zoe go, letting my arms fall to my sides. "I've never been fine."

She frowned at me. "I'm not fine, either. I may look it, but-" Zoe sniffed and rubbed her nose, closing her eyes and inhaling a deep breath. "I'm not. I really wish we had a mom."

It was silent for a moment, and I remembered Zoe saying she was glad how we knew everything about each other. Guilt over powered me and I felt my throat tighten.

"Zoe," I said before I changed my mind. Will certainly would want me to do this. I know he would. "I-I'm..I'm..gay...Pansexual...I-I don't know..I just know I like the same g-gender.."