Love Her

Part 27

"I'm sorry."

I tried to find the right words, the words that would free her from this imagined obligation that caused her so much pain. They were very hard words to say. I didn't know if I could get them out without breaking down. But I had to try to do it right. "Don't. I know," I sighed. "Life is complicated." The last word was hard to choke out. I could feel the ghost of the hole, waiting to rip itself wide again.

"Don't be melodramatic, please."

"Well then, don't you be ridiculous."

"Are you okay?"

I squeezed my midsection, trying to ignore the throbbing around the edges of my chest. "Not really, no."

She reached her hand out.

"Don't," I said, my voice distorted around the word and though I tried to keep my tone normal, I could hear the sadness in it. My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. "Don't do this."

My whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything below the neck.

I let my head fall into my hands. My question came out muffled by my wrist. "Why?"

"I promised you that I wouldn't ever hurt you, So I really blew it this afternoon, didn't I?"

How could I have explained the way I was fracturing into pieces, the way I had to curl into a ball to keep the empty hole from tearing me apart? I shook my head sadly. Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.

But I was already trying to find the strength to get to my feet again, forcing myself out of the ball so that I could escape.

You promised. I need you!" Loneliness choked in my throat.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know."

I'd lost too much already-would fate take the last few shreds of peace left behind? That seemed unfair, out of balance. But maybe I'd violated some unknown rule, crossed some line that had condemned me.

Each I realized I'd lived through another night was a surprise to me. After the surprise wore off, my heart would start to race and my palms would sweat;

It was dark, like dusk on a cloudy day, with only enough light to see that there was nothing to see.

All of this, coupled with the fact that I was dog-tired, did not put me in a friendly mood.

Suddenly, it was just more than I could handle it felt as if all of my sleepless nights were crashing down on me en masse. I was so brutally tired that I thought I might collapse right there on the floor. I swayed unsteadily, and struggled to keep my eyes open.